Marc’s GChat Status Expanded

Marc Drinks Four Loko for the First Time

Last Tuesday, I walked into the 7/11 down the street from my apartment to purchase some hot sauce. As I began my search, I was greeted with a six-foot tall display of 12-pack cases of Four Loko.

The Four Loko craze hit its apex when I was still working on my last campaign. It took college students about a minute to realize the following:

“wait, this company is making a drink that combines the alcohol of 4-5 beers and the caffeine of 2 cups of coffee…this is amazing!”

It took about 36 hours for somewhere between 15 and 3,456 college students to get hospitalized  after drinking Four Loko, subsequently ruining this wonderful drink for the rest of us.

So when I saw I could purchase a 12-pack of Four Loko for the bargain price of $35.99, and  idiot college students hadn’t ruined my chance to try Four Loko, I was psyched. Wrestling with which flavor to purchase (I ended up going with the “lemonade flavored”) was more difficult than deciding whether or not to buy it in the first place.

Then I went home, drank all 12 Four Lokos, shaved my cat, threw my television off the balcony, and went to sleep weeping in the fetal position on my roommate’s bed.

No I didn’t.

Reactions to the purchase were mixed. My girlfriend, who already thinks I am a dorky recovering frat star, was not very enthusiastic. My roommate was passive, saying something along the lines of “well, I guess it’s not illegal to have it yet.” Leave it to my friend Drew to lift my spirits by passionately declaring that I was now in charge of bringing Four Loko to his holiday party.

And thus, on Friday night, at said party, I drank Four Loko for the first time.

The first thing I noticed when I took my first sip was the taste. There is a reason why this particular flavor is called, “lemonade flavored” and not just “lemonade.” It is because when it initially hits your tongue, it is quite delightful and tangy like lemonade (that’s what she said).

Then, it tastes a lot less like lemonade and a lot more like crap (that’s what she said….no, no it doesn’t work this time).

In all honesty though, the aftertaste is bad. That’s when I understood how so many college students got hospitalized from drinking Four Loko. To get rid of the aftertaste, you can either keep drinking Four Loko, drink Four Loko and chase it with beer, or stop drinking. Which of those do you think a college student would choose? I’d like to see if maybe all of the hospitalized students were drinking the lemonade flavored Four Loko, because this may explain a lot about why they had to be hospitalized in the first place.

I enjoyed my Four Loko out of a cup with ice instead of straight from the can (precautionary measure to avoid death #1). I nursed the first cup (precautionary measure to avoid death #2) just in case I had a full on heart attack.

I nursed my first cup for about 75 minutes (precautionary measure to avoid death #3). Upon completion, I noticed 3 things.

1) I was surprisingly drunk.
2) I was wide awake and had no intention of sleeping ever again.
3) I was invincible.

I said as much to my friend Stick via text (breaking precautionary measure to avoid destroying my life #1, “have someone hide your phone so you don’t have access to phonebook or social media sites”), and he responded with:

You won’t tomorrow morning. Enjoy it while it lasts. DO NOT GO OVER 8 LOKO.

6 Loko you can see God. 7 you become him.

IMPORTANT WRITERS NOTE: I did not independently confirm this. I strongly discourage readers from drinking 6 or 7 Lokos, even if they want to see or become God. Even if Stick tells you to, remember this is a man who pioneered “tiny shirt Tuesday” and doesn’t like to wear pants.

I opted not to try to see God. I ended up drinking a little more than two Lokos.

Stick was pretty on the money regarding how I felt the next morning. I went to sleep around 3:00AM, and woke up at 6:00AM to use the bathroom. When I went back to bed, I couldn’t get back to sleep. In a really bad way. It wasn’t “oh man, I woke up and can’t get back to sleep.” It was more “did someone shoot adrenaline into my heart while I was peeing?” No matter how I laid, I could hear my heart pounding in my chest through my ear, and it was beating like I had just completed a marathon.

I reasoned that my heart was about to explode, then decided that I wanted to be awake when it happened and not half asleep. I also figured it would be less of a shock to my girlfriend if she found me on her couch with an exploded heart instead of in bed.

So I went out to the living room and played Scramble on my iPhone while watching infomercials. For three hours.

I also didn’t die.

Before Four Loko night, I sort of felt like I was going to black out whether I liked it or not. It just seemed like the sort of thing that would happen. I was pretty happy that I didn’t. In fact, the night really doesn’t measure too much worse than any other night.

I remember deciding to be the Christmas Elf when Snuggie Santa came to the party, taking pictures of everyone who sat on his lap and told him what they wanted for Christmas. I remember convincing myself that a man sitting at the bar in Murphys near Adams Morgan was Senator Bernie Sanders, even though it was 1:30AM, and Senator Sanders had just spent the previous day giving an eight-hour floor speech. I remember speaking the the man, and being very disappointed that he was not Bernie Sanders.

So what did I take away from my Four Loko experience?

1) I felt more awake than I ever had while drinking, but unlike some of the warning claims, I absolutely felt the alcohol affecting me. This was actually comforting, as being unable to register how drunk you are because of the caffeine is a legitimate concern.

2) While the night wasn’t different, the morning after was actually one of the worst “mornings after” I’ve ever had. I felt gross the entire day.

3) Anyone can drink Four Loko if they obey several common sense rules for drinking,

Things like, “If I drink 4-5 beers in less than an hour, I will usually end up in the hospital, so I probably will take my time with this here Four Loko”

And/or “Since I don’t normally drink 32 cans of beer and 16 cups of coffee when I go out, I am not going to drink 8 Four Lokos tonight.”

Oh, and “just because something tastes good, doesn’t mean you have to drink all of it you gluttonous moron.”

Stay tuned next week for another Marc first: Marc takes his first bong hit of Salvia!

No, not really.

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December 13, 2010 - Posted by | Nonsense |

2 Comments »

  1. you misunderstood stick. one four loko is four loko. two four loko is eight loko. three four loko is 12 loko. you had eight loko my friend.

    Comment by i'm goin loko for them loko | December 13, 2010

  2. I emailed Stick about this and you are correct. I will address in FTW/FTL today

    Comment by marcsgchat | December 15, 2010


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