Marc’s GChat Status Expanded

The Top Ten Jasons I Would Like to Stay Far Away from my Girlfriend, Part 1

Once every year or so, Brit’s mother (who is wonderful, and who we affectionately call, “Lady”) goes to see Phil the psychic. Phil gives Lady information about her family, and what sorts of ups and downs they can expect over the next couple of years. Having heard many stories about Phil the psychic’s predictions, I can say that he is pretty good.

Last month, Lady went to visit Phil the psychic and learned that someone by the name of “Jason” would have a “toxic effect on Brittany’s life.”

When Brit told me this, it sort of put me on tilt. Usually, it is not a good thing for anything toxic to come into your life. I can think of only one example where it might be OK. As a guy, if my girlfriend/significant other/slam piece/hook up for the evening decided to put on a performance dressed as Brittany Spears in the Toxic music video, it would probably work out as a net positive.

But that’s it. So I’ve been a little concerned about this Jason character and who he might be. I ran through our lists of friends and could only think of my buddy Jason from college. Pretty much the most toxic thing he could do is throw up on Brittany after a night of heavy drinking. I don’t think that’s what Psychic Phil has seen. Now when we go out I am constantly on guard for people we meet named “Jason,” and wondering whether or not a jury of my peers would agree that I had a right to preemptively punch said Jason in the mouth based on the testimony of Psychic Phil.

This led to the creation of the following list.

The Top Ten Jasons I Would Like to Stay Far Away from my Girlfriend: Part 1

In reverse order.

10) Jason Priestley

Why I’d like him to stay away: Because he spent eight years playing heart-throb Brandon Walsh on Beverly Hills 90210. Because he is 41 years old and is still more attractive than me. Because he can successfully pull off the goatee. Because even though he hasn’t been relevant for a decade, his hobbies include race car driving. Because I’d be toast in my GF’s life he Jason Priestley came around.

Why when I really think about it, I am not all that concerned: Because he is Canadian. Because off the top of my head I could name more TV Movies (Expecting a Miracle) than I could films (none) that he has been in, ever. Probably because his most recent film roles were Jude in something called Hot Tamale and D.J. in Made in Brooklyn. Because I asked Brit if she thought he was cute and she said “eh, he was OK back in the Day.” Because he’s married with a kid, so I am probably overreacting.

9) Jason Derulo

Why I’d like him to stay away: Because of the song, “Whatcha Say.” Because everything about the picture above screams, “I’m probably going to inappropriately grope someone at the club tonight.” Because he is younger than my brother, which if you saw how Brit’s eyes light up when Justin Bieber hits the stage, you would understand is a problem.

Why when I really think about it, I am not all that concerned: Because I couldn’t find a picture of him where he didn’t have punchface. Because I have ruined Jason Derulo for Brit by singing all of his songs in what I like to call, “Jason Derulo falsetto.” Because he just seems like a creepy dude.

8 ) Jason Bateman

Editors note: FYI, when you put 8 next to a parenthesis, it automatically creates a sunglasses emoticon. 8). Kind of annoying, WordPress.
Update: Well, maybe not. I have no idea what is going on now.
Update 2: 8) See! I told you!


Why I’d like him to stay away: Because of Arrested Development. Because it would take maybe five authentic Michael Bluth lines, followed by him saying “I’m going to borrow you as my girlfriend for a little while,” for Brit to say, “OK!.” Because if he is actually a serial killer, he could probably abduct Brit while I was keeled over in laughter from talking to him.

Why when I really think about it, I am not all that concerned: Because it’s Jason Bateman! He is awesome! Because he is so cool. Because there is no way he could have a toxic impact on Brit’s life. Because it would have to be some other Jason, and we would all just be friends with Jason Bateman….right?…..right?

7) Jason Acuna (aka: Wee-Man)

Why I’d like him to stay away: Because I could write a blog post about how often Brittany accidentally hurts herself. Because since Brittany is so accident-prone, she would probably be seriously injured or die if asked to participate in a Jackass stunt. Because there is a 78% chance that Wee-Man would ask to crash on the couch for a couple of nights, and then 3 months later he is still there and its weird. Because there is a 0% chance that Brit would get her security deposit back if anyone associated with Jackass lived in her apartment for any period of time.

Why when I really think about it, I am not all that concerned:Because my desire to see Wee-Man kick himself in the head in-person supersedes all of the  aforementioned concerns.

6) Jason Giambi

Why I’d like him to stay away: Because if I rearrange the list to reflect my certainty that, should this person come into Brit’s life, it would DEFINITELY be for no other reason than to be toxic, he ranks 2nd. Because anyone who grows a molestache cannot be trusted. Because of roid rage. Because if you photoshop the background of 95% of the pictures I found of Jason Giambi to a cement wall, you’d have a mug shot.

Why when I really think about it, I am not all that concerned: Because he lacks any quality or personality trait that would get him into my girlfriends life in the first place (Priestley-good looking, Derulo-musician, Bateman-funny, Acuna-wee, Giambi….). Because we would probably fondly discuss our interactions with him like we do our interactions with our favorite homeless people around the city.  Because I could probably get him drunk and make him tell me which baseball players are doing steroids.

Jasons 5 through1 will be up tomorrow.

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December 14, 2010 - Posted by | Nonsense | , , , , ,

6 Comments »

  1. #1?

    Comment by Noah | December 14, 2010

  2. What about the Giambino’s gold thong?? No woman can resist a man in a gold thong

    Comment by Ross | December 14, 2010

  3. Noah, you know I can’t give away the number one.

    Ross, you make a perfectly valid point. I’m sort of wanting to have that Giambi selection back. I’d like to rate him higher.

    Comment by marcsgchat | December 14, 2010

  4. A) You need a job. 2) Bateman should be #1 because he is awesome and Brittany would DEFINTELY leave you for him. D) I can’t wait for you to be completely immersed in the insane world of Lady for Christmas. 12) You may want to de-tox in preparation for a few days of heavy drinking in order to survey. B) If you are lucky you may get slapped this year.

    Comment by Sister | December 15, 2010

  5. Sorry I meant survive not survey. Though you may be surveying the scene for Jasons.

    Comment by Sister | December 15, 2010

  6. A) You’re telling me
    2) I know she would, but considering the amount of me being dead that would result in the 5-1 list, I think you’ll agree with his placement.
    D) I was there for Christmas last year, but I think I came after the actual day, and thus probably didn’t get a full dose. I also think Lady was being nice to me because I was new.
    12) I’m actually a little scared.
    B) That was the one thing missing from my trip to upstate NY last year, so I’m definitely looking forward to it.
    12)

    Comment by marcsgchat | December 15, 2010


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