Marc’s GChat Status Expanded

The Top Ten Jasons I Would Like to Stay Far Away from my Girlfriend: Part 2

Click here if you missed Part 1 of the list and have no idea what is going on.

Here we go with Part 2 of the Top Ten Jasons I Would Like to Stay Far Away from my Girlfriend.

5) Jason the Red Ranger

Why I’d like him to stay away: Because weapons that he is known to carry on his person include the power sword, blade blaster, and dragon dagger. Because at one point he took on the powers of an injured alien and became the gold ranger. Because I would be worried that the spark spray that is associated with every single correct strike of a weapon in the power rangers world would injure Brit. Because when he wasn’t being a Power Ranger, he was probably wrecking a lot of women in Angel Grove (at least until Tommy the Green/White Ranger showed up). Because I think Brit would leave me if Jason asked her to become a Power Ranger.

Why when I really think about it, I am not all that concerned: Because he only fights aliens. Big ass aliens. Because underneath his spandex suit he looks like this. Because Jason could probably receive a medal of valor for the number of grenades he fell on after Tommy the Green/White Ranger showed up. Because he chose to leave the Power Rangers to attend the World Teen Summit in Switzerland, so he is obviously a big sissy. Because Brittany hates birds and thus is scared of flying in the air with them, as all Power Rangers must do.

4) Jason Mraz

Why I’d like him to stay away: Because he is incredibly good-looking. Because he can sing really well. Because he can play the guitar. Because look at how preposterously well-groomed his hair is. Because he could start playing random chords on his guitar and string together things he sees in the room (doo woopa doo bee doo bee doo woop arm-chair light fixture guy in a suit walking by meee), say it was a song about Brit, and melt her heart. Because when I asked Brit if she thought he was hot she replied, “he probably knows his way around a lady.” Because I’m not convinced that the picture above is staged, I think that is just what he does on a regular basis.

Why when I really think about it, I am not all that concerned: Because I am fairly certain that I could beat him up if we got in a fight. Because I think all the other guys in the immediate vicinity of our fight would help me beat him up. Because I think I could go all Bluto guitar smash on him and completely ruin his game. Because there is a 77% chance that he would be too high to hit on anything but a bong. Because he is determined to bring the bucket hat back and it looks ridiculous.

3) Jason Statham

Why I’d like him to stay away: Because DO YOU SEE THE PICTURE ABOVE THIS TEXT?! Because he is British. Because he has an eight pack. Because his two “looks” in the movie industry are, “I’m going to sleep with you in a way you have never been slept with before” and “we are getting really close to that point in this conversation where I am going to kill you.” Because he appears to be mid-air, palming that metal pipe as he works his way across it the same way that Shaq palms a basketball. Because there were 100 other pictures of him doing similar feats of strength with relative ease.

Why when I really think about it, I am not all that concerned: (Editor’s Note: We have officially hit that point in the countdown where I am really going to be grasping at straws as to why I would not be concerned about this person having a toxic impact on Brit’s life) Because apparently he is currently dating a Victoria’s Secret model named Rosie Huntington-Whiteley (you’re welcome). Because he generally seems like a nice guy when he is not pissed off, and not pissing off Jason Statham is one of my life goals. Because maybe he could teach me how to shimmy across that metal bar, but probably not. (Second Editor’s note: I am legitimately scared to say anything bad about Jason Statham, like maybe a knock on his box-office performance, or his intelligence, because I don’t want him to kill me. So we’re just going to move on).

2) Jason Bourne

Why I’d like him to stay away: Because he was able to knock out two Swiss policemen after sleeping on a park bench and despite having retrograde amnesia. Because he is a trained government assassin. Because he is being hunted by the CIA. Because I would probably be waterboarded if I was captured by the CIA and linked to him. Because he appears to have master-class skill over every weapon known to man. Because everyone who he comes into close contact with ends up being shot at and/or dying (Identity: Marie’s sister and children are almost sniped by Clive Owen, Supremacy: Marie is shot in the head when fleeing an assassin, Ultimatum: Newspaper reporter is killed at the train station).

Why when I really think about it, I am not all that concerned: Because we just talked about how lame the Swiss are, so beating them up isn’t that impressive. Because he got super lucky when he killed Clive Owen. Because he probably would have been clipped if he hadn’t had help from Pamela Landy and Nicky Parsons. Because this all adds up to me feeling relatively certain that I could survive Jason Bourne coming into Brit’s life, even if his reaction to my asking him to go away and leave us in peace instead of being all toxic with her would be to drop kick me in the face then snap my neck while screaming at me in foreign languages.

…Nothing about this would be good…

1) Jason Vorhees

Why I’d like him to stay away: Because he has rage problems. Because Jason has killed 154 people. Because he has employed the following tactics to kill his victims: an ice pick to the temple, pitchfork to the neck so that the person hangs from the ceiling, scalpel to the gut, freezing a man’s face in liquid nitrogen and smashing it on the counter, harpoon to the back, decapitation via the force of his punch, crushing of the head with his bare hands. Because there is a negative five percent chance that my girlfriend would live through a “toxic” experience with Jason Voorhees. Because he has been macheted in the shoulder, axed in the head, hacked up by a machete, melted by toxic waste, and stabbed with a mystical dagger and dragged to hell, and still lives to kill. Because we obviously wouldn’t be able to kill him. Because even when he has died he has been resurrected no less than 4 times.

Why when I really think about it, I am not all that concerned: I mean, if you can think of a reason why I shouldn’t be concerned if Jason Vorhees suddenly came into my girlfriend’s life, comment on the entry and I will gladly update this post.


December 15, 2010 - Posted by | Nonsense | , , , , , ,


  1. I know that the spelling of Mr. Werth’s first name is a little different than the rest of these people’s, but if you are concerned about the entry of a new toxic figure I think the newly arrived $126 million man should not be taken lightly. A major reason to not be “all that concerned” is his facial hair selection. I will repeat, however, $126 MILLION to spend in a new city (with new people).

    Comment by Bobby | December 15, 2010

  2. I would also be wary of Jason Lee and Jason Mewes. Although Jason Lee would possibly be an addition to your lives. Think about it. Also, I plan to legally change my name to Jason and make your lives a living hell.

    Comment by Matt | December 16, 2010

  3. You know what’s really scary about Statham? That picture of him you posted is actually turned 90 degrees counter clockwise. He’s actually full plank extended perpendicular to the ground from a pole. That’s badass.

    Comment by Miller | December 21, 2010

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