Marc’s GChat Status Expanded

How to Avoid a Punch Face

Note: Big thanks to my friend Brew who helped me with this post a few months ago, even though he probably doesn’t remember doing so.

You know that one guy at work who bothers you? And the feeling you get when you encounter him? You don’t understand why, exactly it is that he bothers you. He is well dressed and grooms himself on a regular basis. He isn’t overly touchy, or awkward. He doesn’t make bad or off-color jokes. There is just something about him that awakens a primordial desire to lash out at him with your fists. Repeatedly.

Look that man in the face the next time you see him…Think to yourself whether or not all of your problems would be solved if you just punched him right in the mouth.

If this feeling soothes you, then chances are you are working with a punch face. For a more succinct definition of the term punch face, I will turn to one of the most useful resources in blogging; Urban Dictionary.

1. Punch Face (Adjective)
A reference to the type of face adorning someone who you want/need to punch in the face, with or without justification.

I’m so sick of my fucking boss. He has a serious punch face.

What makes punch face so hard to deal with, is that it is everywhere, like smoking, and the Waynes brothers (who have some pretty serious punch faces themselves).

While there isn’t much I can do about the punch faces you work with, or go to school with, or were birthed from, or decided to marry, I can provide you with some tips on how to minimize optional punch face in your free time.

Tip Number 1: Do not visit the great state of Alaska: In 2008, Alaska projectile vomited the worst it has to offer on the rest of America in the form of epic punch face Bristol Palin, and punch face Mount Rushmore nominee Levi Johnston. It would probably be smart to avoid the state of Alaska altogether if you are trying to avoid punching faces.

Tip Number 2: Do not watch Laguna Beach, The Hills or any reality television show based in California: Lest you stumble upon one of the main breeding and feeding grounds of the punch face. I’ve never been myself, but I’ve been forced (read: I turn it on and can’t turn it off) into watching enough episodes of these two faux reality tv shows to know that 96% of all males and an astonishing 68% of all females in these two places will make you want to punch them in the face. This is also where I was first introduced to a man who, if I saw him, I may actually punch without fear of repercussion, Spencer Pratt. Save yourself the trouble and watch The Real Housewives of Atlanta…wait…on second thought.

Tip Number 3: Do not watch the Real Housewives of Atlanta: No seriously, turn the channel, now!

Tip Number 4: Do not read any People magazines from 2004-2008: Because it will probably mention Kevin Federline.

Tip Number 5: Do not watch Fox News: I promise you, this has nothing to do with my political leanings. He may be an absolute moron, but even if he delivered my mail, bagged my groceries, or changed the oil in my car, I would still think Glenn Beck has a really, really bad punch face.

Tip Number 6: Stay away from the Star Wars prequels: Hayden Christensen does not have a punch face. However, when he transforms into Anakin Skywalker, oh baby, watch out. The combination of Skywalker’s rat tail and his constant whining/crying/rage issues makes me want to uppercut him in the jaw. I don’t care that he could kill me by looking at me. I would attempt it. Thank GOD he gets all effed up by Obi Wan and has to wear a mask to live.

Tip Number 7: Avoid movies starring Chris Tucker, Shia Labeouf, and/or Pauly Shore: This is actually sound advice in life, not just in avoiding punch faces. If you even need a reason, see here, here, and here.

Follow these simple tips, and I guarantee your life will be a lot easier to handle.


December 20, 2010 - Posted by | Nonsense | , , , , , , , , , , , ,

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