Marc’s GChat Status Expanded

Helpful hint to anyone sending out a job announcement

If I can’t distinguish your command of the English language from that of the Nigerian Prince looking to give me his money, I am probably not going to apply for your job.

If you want potential employees to say, “this sounds good, but I should google this company to see if it is some elaborate fraud ring,” then you have achieved your goal. If not, CHECK FOR ERRORS.

If I wrote a cover letter in the manner you are writing your job announcement, it would probably become an internet meme in a matter of days.

I can forgive an occasional spelling or grammar “oops,” but when I copy and paste your job announcement into Microsoft Word and the resulting green and red lines make it look like a stoplight made love on my computer screen, maybe give the announcement another look over or six before posting.

February 24, 2011 Posted by | Nonsense | 1 Comment

Prepare for the Upcoming Justin Bieber Invasion

As you know, we here at MGSE like to prepare for potential apocalyptic events. I feel adequately prepared for the return of the dinosaurs, the zombie apocalypse, the zombie-bird apocalypse, and nuclear apocalypse. When I am looking for information on the newest and greatest threat to mankind, I usually head over to The Oatmeal.

One of my friends (I can’t remember who you are because you signed off before I finished the quiz) had linked to this in their gchat status. I don’t think the threat of swarming Justin Biebers can be overstated. We should all make time to take this quiz to determine how many threatening Biebers we can kill. If that number is not very high, I would also suggest enrolling in some martial arts classes, or perhaps a fencing course, to better help mankind against invading Biebers.

Remember, the Bieber apocalypse is not an IF, it is a WHEN. Will you be prepared?

How many Justin Biebers could you take in a fight?

Created by Oatmeal

 

 

 

February 22, 2011 Posted by | Nonsense | , , | 1 Comment

Go see True Grit

I went to see True Grit yesterday. Despite Regal Potomac Yard 16’s best efforts to prevent me from making the movie on time (which included two of the four fandango ticket redemption machines being broken, and one of the most inept concession stand displays I have ever seen), I managed to make it right as the previews were starting.

For those of you who don’t want to see me pretend to be a movie critic for the next few paragraphs, I will paraphrase here: True Grit is one of the best movies I have seen in a really long time, and you should go see it.

Why is it great? Well first the acting is top notch, Hailee Steinfeld is phenomenal as Mattie Ross. She is 14 or 15 in real life and plays the part with all the poise of someone who has been acting for fourteen or fifteen years. Jeff Bridges is hilarious as the oft drunk Rooster Cogburn. Matt Damon is great as always as Texas Ranger LaBoeuf. The acting in these three roles had to be top notch since the three of them in one grouping or another share the screen for the vast majority of the movie. None of them disappoint.

I found myself laughing a lot more than I expected going into the movie. The humor is dry and sarcastic, which is always a recipe for success when done well. A lot of this has to do with the script, which is really top notch. It captured the era very well without being cheesy.

I’m not a huge fan of the Coen brothers’ previous films, so maybe I went in with lower expectations, but they deserve accolades for this movie. It is awesome.

February 22, 2011 Posted by | Nonsense | , | Leave a comment

Why I love the Carmelo Anthony deal

Allow me to be the 1,356th person to comment on the blockbuster deal that landed Carmelo Anthony in New York.

I am ecstatic about the deal. It absolutely had to be done. What we’ve seen over the last couple of months is that Amare Stoudemire is not Lebron James. Don’t get me wrong, I love Amare Stoudemire, but he is not going to carry the Knicks on his back to 50+ wins a season with the cast of characters they had. He needed another star. Mostly because his knees are a disaster. It remains to be seen if Amare and Carmelo can lead the Knicks to an NBA championship, but they are a hell of a lot closer than they were 24 hours ago.

I really liked Gallinari, Raymond Felton, and Wilson Chandler, but when it became clear that Carmelo would not be available past the trade deadline, I was fine seeing them go. Gallinari has some back issues, Felton is 26 and averaging over 14 points a game for the first time in his career. I think Chandler will be good, but not great. The Nuggets didn’t get fleeced in this deal. Hardly, especially when you factor in the draft picks. However, as Bill Simmons tweeted last night:

In a 30-team league, the Knicks now have 2 of the 10 guys who started yesterday’s All-Star Game. That deal was a no-brainer.

That’s why you make the trade.

I do have a couple of concerns though.

About five seconds after the trade was reported done, everyone started talking about Chris Paul and Deron Williams having opt-out clauses in 2012. Yea, it would be great to get either of them, and if the Knicks did they would be one of the top five or six teams in the league. However, if I get told by the Knicks organization to put my expectations for a championship-caliber team on hold until (insert Superstar) becomes available one more time, I am going to scream. Since Amare, Melo, and Landry Fields are the only contracts on the books past this season, the Knicks really should be able to make enough moves to put them in contention for a Championship even if the two aforementioned players don’t end up in New York.

There has also been a lot of discussion about Isaiah Thomas’ impact on this deal getting done. Supposedly he had a major role in it. Supposedly Donnie Walsh is not going to come back next year. If the Knicks bring back Isaiah Thomas, I am out. I don’t care if Isaiah has spent the last few years creating a de-aging machine and mid-90s Jordan has agreed to play for the Knicks. He needs to stay away.

The Knicks are on the right path. They’ve been a fun team to watch for most of the season, which is more than I can say for just about every 21st century Knicks team.

February 22, 2011 Posted by | Sports | , | Leave a comment

A Question About Aliens

Last night while watching TV with my girlfriend, I posed the following question to her:

If a group of aliens busted into my apartment and said they were going to abduct me, but that I would be returned in exactly one year completely unharmed, would you wait for me?

I was expecting a simple “yes” to which I would smile and move on with my life, instead, she was decidedly more noncommittal:

I mean….I don’t know…but I would definitely take care of your cat, and probably get outrageously drunk on wine by myself.

As heartwarming as it was to know that my cat would be taken care of in my absence, I was a little confused about why I couldn’t rely on her to be around when I came back. She reasoned;

I don’t trust aliens. How do I know they wouldn’t harm you? Plus I’ll just send some zombie birds to rescue you.

I decided to leave the argument about how zombie birds could never defeat aliens for another day.

Now granted, one could say that taking care of my cat and getting drunk on wine alone constitutes “waiting” for me, but I was still expecting a more ringing endorsement of our relationship in the face of aliens abducting me for one year.  Plus, if she really doesn’t trust the aliens and was concerned that they would go back on their words and hurt me, wouldn’t I need her more when I was finally returned?

Am I wrong to here?

 

February 18, 2011 Posted by | Nonsense | , | 1 Comment

An Issue with Evites

One of the ways you know you are getting old is when friends start to make fun of you for using Facebook invite instead of Evite. I’m not sure when the internets decided that it was juvenile to send Facebook invites. I mean, only one out of every seven human beings in the world uses Facebook, and most of them on a regular basis, so I can see why some people would relate using Facebook invites to attending college night at McFaddens.

Generally Evite is reliable and easy to use, but I do have one issue that I think makes Facebook invite superior.

When I receive a Facebook invite I get an email saying, “Joe Smith has invited you to MY 24th BIRTHDAY PARTY!” Most excellent, Joe!. I know exactly who you are because your first and last name is listed, and I can decide very easily whether or not I want to go to your birthday party.

When I receive an Evite, usually one of two things happen:

1) The sender is something like “Jason, Steve, and Robert” Off the top of my head I could probably name 20 people I know named Jason, Steve, and/or Robert. Most of them know each other. Do I know all three of the people who have invited me to their event? Am I supposed to know which of the six Steves I am friends with sent this to me? Is it going to be really awkward if I think it’s “really good friend Jason”, but it turns out it’s “we did a project together in college and I accidentally sent the evite out to all of my Gmail contacts……but thanks for coming….” Jason?

2) The sender is something like, “Gucci” or “DJ Tone Loc” or “Mike Tyson.” Clearly a nick name and equally clearly not one that everyone on the invite list is familiar with. I would suggest not using a nickname unless all of the following apply:

A) The only people who call you by your real name are significant others or family
B) You can reliably say that more people have you listed in their phone by your nickname than by your real name
C) When out with friends, you are introduced like this; “This is my friend (real name) but most people call him (nick name).”

If that doesn’t apply, please use your real name, because I am not going to go on a grail quest to figure out the story behind the nick name that will allow me to determine who you are.

There is one simple solution if you disagree with me on either of these points. If your name is one of the top 100 most common names in existence, or you insist on using a nick name that only three people are familiar with, make sure your Evite profile is filled out with your last name.

February 18, 2011 Posted by | Nonsense | , , | Leave a comment

Anatomy of a Food Stadium

Super Bowl XLV marked the third year that my roommate and I constructed a food stadium in honor of the most glorious holiday of the year, Super Bowl Sunday.

It starts with a lot of food: several bags of bread, white and spinich tortillas, flat bread, butter, writing icing, whipped white icing, cheddar cheese, guacamole, sugar cookie dough, carrots, chicken sticks, pigs in a blanket, tater tots, black olives, refried beans, string cheese, celery, queso dip, triscuit crackers, chocolate bars, chips, marshmallows, and rice krispys. Total cost this year was around $150.

My roommate is the jumbotron master, and that is usually the first thing he does. It’s very time consuming and tedious. We use toothpicks to sketch all of the chocolate work, then writing icing for color. This year, he decided to do Clay Matthews and Troy Polamalu on one, and the team logos and Super Bowl XLV logo on the other.

Almost done with jumbotron 1. At this point I was making rice krispy treats, and cutting them into blocks to use as an outer wall of the stadium.

Freezing the other jumbotrong, scoreboards, and field logos. They are resting on top of the dome, which, sadly, never came to fruition (more on this later).

Normally we just do one dip in between the two endzones, but since this would be the first year that people would be watching the Super Bowl at our place (year one we didn’t realize what a massive undertaking eating the stadium would be, year two was Snowpocalypse) we decided to change things up. We did rows of carrots, ranch, chick sticks, and bleu cheese, then covered the with green pita bread.

Packers endzone was made with guacamole and letters cut out of cheddar cheese. The yard lines are string cheese.

The Steelers endzone was made out of queso dip and black olives. We had the queso dip out of the fridge too long, so the black olives sunk a lot quicker than they did two years ago when Pittsburgh was in the Super Bowl.

The completed field.

We used bread to construct the bleachers and outer stadium. Flat bread made up the sidelines of the stadium.

Ohhhh rice krispy treats. Initially I wanteds to build an outer wall that would surround the stadium completely out of rice krispy treats. I dramatically underestimated how much rice krispy treat that would be. Instead, we used them as the walls at either end of the stadium (which actually made it look a bit like Dallas Stadium). We also planned to construct a roof out of two giant cookies, but they ended up not being wide enough.

My roommate and I also spent a lot of time trying to figure out how to suspend the jumbotron above the stadium. We knew we could successfully glue the chocolate together, but couldn’t figure out how to suspend it. Therefore, we put them on both sides of the stadium.

Ruffles and blue corn chips made up the Packers and Steelers fans in the stands. Pepperoni and triscuit crackers on the sidelines. We cut up celary and stuck cheese helmets on them to make the Packers. We used pigs in a blanket for the steelers. Goalposts are alo made out of celery.

We paid homage to the fact that some really dumb people decided that spending $200 on tickets to WATCH THE SUPERBOWL OUTSIDE OF DALLAS STADIUM ON LARGE MONITORS was a good idea by putting a monitor out there of our own.

Side note: the scoreboard and monitor are a bit messy. We ran out of time and I had to do it really quickly.

Closer view of the field with the players.

Close-up of the absolutely insane jumbotron my roommate made.

The completed stadium (minus the parking lot, made out of pita bread, refried beans, and sour cream, with tater tot cars. It is behind the far wall of the stadium).

Because there were some things I was anticipating spending a lot of time on that didn’t end of happening (suspending the jumbotron, building the rice krispy outer wall), the total build time was around 6 and a half hours. I expected it to be a lot longer. I was very, very happy with it. Looking forward to building next year, and hoping that teams like the Jacksonville Jaguars never play in the Super Bowl. Honestly, how are you supposed to make something that is both edible and teal?

February 7, 2011 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Random Thoughts: Because My Ears Are Bleeding from Writing Cover Letters

Seriously, bleeding from the ears. I wish “able to write excellent cover letters in very short periods of time” was a marketable skill.

I almost got murdered twice by my friend Ana-Lisa for not updating in two weeks. I do apologize for the sparse updates. I have started and deleted like 3 entries. Massive writers block. Everything read like crap. Hopefully I can get back into the groove now. Anyway, onto the random thoughts.

We are well past due for closing the vote on the “What should Marc dress up as for Halloween” poll. The winner is….

THE GOLDEN SNITCH!

Teletubby and Mighty Ducks finished second and third respectively. Since posting that entry, I’ve actually come up with some additions to the costume. I will almost certainly be incorporating a pair of gold fairy wings, since the snitch has wings. If anyone would like to volunteer to dress up as Harry Potter and chase me around, let me know. I’m actually really looking forward to this. Maybe I’ll send the pictures to JK Rowling as a way of saying thank you for writing the books. Next poll, “what bar/club should Marc go to on Halloween in his amazing Golden Snitch costume?”

1) The Guards
2) Love
3) Heaven and Hell
4) Ghana Cafe
5) Cobalt

——

Why did no one vote for the Mika costume? I think I would look wonderful in skin-tight pants. I have the voice of an angel, and Grace Kelly is right in my range. Eff you.

——

I arrived home on Saturday night after going out to celebrate my friend Ernesto’s birthday. It was 2:30AM, and the only thing on TV was live coverage of the Australian Open. The match I watched, Francesca Schiavone vs. Svetlana Kutznetsova, was quite good. That’s not the point of this post though. The sounds that female tennis players make when hitting the ball may be one of the least attractive sounds on the planet. I’m pretty sure my hell would be sitting in a room with noise canceling headphones on listening to Francesca Schiavone scream, “AAAAACHAAAUUUHHHHHH!@!@$#!@” at the top of her lungs, and then 2 seconds later, hearing Svetlana Kutznetsova scream, “EEEYYYYAAAAAACAAAAAAA!#$@#$” in response. Good lord. I muted the TV after about 20 minutes. I’m sorry but there must be a way of mustering all the strength in your body to punish a tennis ball that doesn’t involve yelling like a pissed off yak.

——

I just “liked” Enrique Iglesias’ “Do You Know (The Ping Pong Song)” on Pandora. His voice is so haunting.

——

I had a chance to watch three movies last week. Easy A, The Social Network, and The Town.

Easy A: Quite funny, not one of those movies where they show all the funny parts in the trailer. Emma Stone can definitely carry a movie on her own, especially when she spends the movie dressed like this. Stanley Tucci is hysterical.

The Social Network: The second best movie of 2010 (behind Inception, which after a second viewing last week, is probably one of my favorite movies of all time). I went in with incredibly high expectations, and they were met. Jesse Eisenberg is awesome as Mark Zuckerberg. By the end I felt really bad for Eduardo Saverin, who got royally screwed out of his share of the company (if we are to believe Aaron Sorkin’s take, which is based on Ben Mezrich’s The Accidental Billionare, a book that has come under scrutiny for juicing up the details of the founding of Facebook). Watch the movie, you won’t be disappointed.

The Town. Solidified that Ben Affleck is A) not the idiot sidekick of Matt Damon, B) probably DID contribute to writing Good Will Hunting as opposed to drugging Matt Damon and sending the script out with his name attached before he woke up, and C) it is safe to like him again after a series of amazingly atrocious film choices. The robbery scenes are amazing. The acting is solid. Something about the underlying story bothers me. I think the movie develops several plot lines incredibly well, then ran out of time, and ended up mailing in their conclusions. I thought the ending was a cop-out (no pun intended). I would definitely watch the movie again, and enjoy it. Not God’s gift though.

——

Congrats to the Packers and the Steelers for making it to the Super Bowl. I hear the Packers are early favorites, which is surprising unless you think about how these teams got here. The Packers beat an Eagles team that many thought were Super Bowl bound (although “they” will never admit that now), then decisively beat the Falcons in Atlanta, and the Falcons never lose at home, then beat up on the Bears in Chicago in a game that ended closer than it actually was. The Steelers haven’t exactly looked impressive against the Ravens or the Jets. They could have easily lost both games. I wouldn’t be surprised if the Packers win.

——

We are 12 hours into Super Bowl coverage and I am already tired of hearing about Ben Roethlisberger. The next two weeks are going to be intolerable. Is there any chance ESPN will run round the clock coverage of Brett Favre answering questions on penis pictures and his feelings about the Packers reaching the Super Bowl? I would much prefer that.

——

The third annual Marc and Endrit food stadium build will be happening on Super Bowl Sunday. Right now we are in the conceptualization stage. For the first time we are going to attempt to replicate the actual stadium the game is being played in, which means building Texas Stadium with it’s massive jumbotron and retractable roof. We’ll also be incorporating dessert food into the stadium for the first time (unless you count the chocolate bars we use for lights and jumbotrons in the past. I think this may end up being a two day build.

Also, barring another snowpocalypse, we are going to be having people over to enjoy the stadium and watch the game, which will be a nice change from the usual “Marc and Endrit attempt to eat the stadium by themselves and fall into a food coma by halftime.”

January 24, 2011 Posted by | Uncategorized | 2 Comments

What Should Marc Dress Up as for Halloween?

Originally I planned to write a blog post about things that might happen in 2011 (maybe Lindsay Lohan will finally get clean, maybe I will go to a Washington Nationals game because I want to see the Washington Nationals, not the opposing team, things like that). As I was writing, I came to the topic of Halloween.

Halloween usually falls the weekend before Election Day. Because of this, I have not been able to dress up for Halloween in quite some time. While all of my single guy friends are figuring out which bar will have the most women dressed up as “sexy (fill in the blank)”, all my guy friends with girlfriends are trying to figure out what famous pair they and their significant other can dress up as that will A) allow her to dress provocatively while at the same time B) making sure every gentleman they encounter knows she is not single, and all my girlfriends are deciding between dressing up as sexy mermaid, sexy cat, a hooker, or J-Woww, I am been pulling 20-hour days. Not fun.

This year though, I’ll be going all out. I’m beyond pumped. I remembered all of the great costume ideas I had over the last few years that never materialized, and decided that I needed to take this post in a different direction.

I know it is January, but I would like your help deciding what I should dress up as for Halloween 2011. I’ve listed seven options below, with details of my vision:

1) Michael Jackson from the Free Willy “Will You Be there” music video.This would involve a very loose white undershirt, white button down, tight black pants, black wig, and somehow rigging an orca whale above my head ala the scene of Willy jumping over the kid and the barrier in the movie.

2) Mika. This would involve a tight white suit, sparkly shirt, crazy socks, a black wig, and somehow rigging a boombox to my body that could play “Grace Kelly” on repeat.

3) The Golden Snitch. This would involve a sparkly gold speedo, lots of gold body paint, a gold wig, and shouting “CATCH THE GOLDEN SNITCH!” at the top of my lungs at strangers. Preferably this would also include a person dressed up as Harry Potter to chase me around so we can scream “150 POINTS TO GRYFFINDOR!” whenever I am caught.

4) The Full Mighty Ducks Team. This would involve green hockey pants, personalized Mighty Duck t-shirts, maybe hockey helmets, and 19 of my friends who can A) roller blade and B) like to quack. 2o if we included Gordon Bombay. 21 if we included Hans. Really I would only do this if I was guaranteed to have every member of the team represented.

5) Patches O’Houlihan. This would involve some kind of white shirt, a white scarf, a bomber jacket, patches, an old mangy looking white wig, a bag of wrenches, a wheel chair, and friends who don’t mind being pushed into oncoming traffic as I shout, “IF YOU CAN DODGE TRAFFIC, YOU CAN DODGE A BALL!”

6) Tellitubby. I would go to a costume store and purchasing a full body costume. I would say I can relate the most to LaLa, so I would probably dress up as Lala,  but I look better in purple, so maybe Tinky Winky.

7) Alanis Morisette from the Thank You music video. It is such a good idea. Since my girlfriend refuses to grow her hair out to make this dream come true, I will do it. This would involve a flesh-tone body suit, two socks, a very, very long woman’s black wig, and…well that’s about it really.

Follow the link below to vote in the poll for the costume you think is best. The poll will be open for ten days. Whatever costume wins, I will dress up as, no ifs, ands, or buts. The choice is yours.

What should Marc dress up as for Halloween?
(polls)

January 5, 2011 Posted by | Nonsense | , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

January 4th For the Win/For the Loss

The first FTW/FTL of 2011!

For the Win! 😀

Dear Blank, Please Blank: I don’t recall who shared this website with me. If it was you let me know and I will edit with a h/t. Dear Blank Please Blank is similar in layout to FML, TFM, TFLN, and all the rest. I particularly like this site though because there is only so much fail I can take in one day. Dear Blank Please Blank has users submit entries using the format of a letter. Some of my favorites:

Dear backwards baseball caps,
Thank you for allowing us to spot douchebags from afar.
Sincerely, college girls
Dear Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry,
Please send me my letter already. I’m tired of the Muggle world.
Sincerely, the kid who still believes in magic
Dear Noah,
We could have sworn you said the ark wasn’t leaving till 5.
Sincerely, Unicorns

Forever Remix: I have no idea what unemployed people did when they got bored/realized they had blisters from writing cover letters/untucked from the fetal position before YouTube came around. In the midst of searching YouTube rappers remixing songs, I came across this rather incredible cover of Forever by four of the more popular YouTube rappers (I think). The song features Traphik, Dyme-a-Duzin, Dumbfoundead, Prince EA, and DPryde. Follow the link to take a look.

Winning Fantasy Football: I won my remaining fantasy football league this past weekend. I’ll spare you the gory details. I won my first four games, then lost six of nine, then got hot in the playoffs. Basically I am the 2008 Arizona Cardinals, except I won it all.

My Buddy Nick Defying the Odds: Congrats also go out to my buddy Nick, who has never played fantasy sports before. He won another league I was in using the team name, “What Am I Doing?” Way to go Nick.

New Hyperbole and a Half Post: If you aren’t reading hyperbole and a half, you need to. Head over to her blog to read about the year Kenny Loggins ruined her Christmas.

For the Loss!? 😦

My Party Hosting Skills: If you attended my New Years party, and were ringing in the new year in my living room after I passed out at 12:45 or 1:00AM, I apologize. Blame the champagne flip cup and Four Loko assassinations.

The Next Great Baker: On Sunday I had the misfortune of catching TLC’s The Next Great Baker. The show features Cake Boss Buddy Valestro putting 10 bakers through a Top-Chef like series of challenges to see which will gain the “honor” of joining his bakery. The show is terrible. Buddy Valestro has to be one of the least likable reality show hosts in history. The show is ripe with twists that are only loosely linked to the challenges they are a part of (one of the episodes I caught had Buddy surprising the BAKERS with the task of cooking an authentic italian dinner for 100 people). The judges table segments are devoid of any suspense to the degree that Buddy compensates by taking on a persona that can best be described as “Gordon Ramsey and Tom Colicchio’s love child.”

The biggest issue;  these bakers are not the best in their trade (like the ones you see on all of those Food Network Challenge shows). When they have seven hours to complete a cake that would normally take them two days, the end product ends up looking like crap. The time constraints dramatically impact the quality of the work produced. Who wants to watch a bunch of amateur bakers produce cakes that look like crap? Do yourself a favor and stay away from this show.

Lots of birds dying: I’m not sure if you’ve heard yet, but a few thousand black birds fell from the sky on New Years Eve. Then, 500 birds died in Louisiana, and 100,000 fish in Arkansas again, and another huge fish kill in Maryland. It’s not so much the birds and fish dying that has me putting this in the “for the loss” column. It’s more the “this is further proof that we are living in the end times and the world will come to an end in 2012 as predicted” feeling I get when I see things like this happen.

I immediately regret this decision: Buyers remorse begins next week as House Republicans have scheduled a health care repeal vote for January 12. Democrats in the Senate have pledged to block any repeal of the bill, so this vote will be more about creating a spectacle than about actually effecting any kind of real progress. I imagine that this will be the case more often than not with the Republican controlled Congress.

January 4, 2011 Posted by | Uncategorized | 1 Comment