Marc’s GChat Status Expanded

Helpful hint to anyone sending out a job announcement

If I can’t distinguish your command of the English language from that of the Nigerian Prince looking to give me his money, I am probably not going to apply for your job.

If you want potential employees to say, “this sounds good, but I should google this company to see if it is some elaborate fraud ring,” then you have achieved your goal. If not, CHECK FOR ERRORS.

If I wrote a cover letter in the manner you are writing your job announcement, it would probably become an internet meme in a matter of days.

I can forgive an occasional spelling or grammar “oops,” but when I copy and paste your job announcement into Microsoft Word and the resulting green and red lines make it look like a stoplight made love on my computer screen, maybe give the announcement another look over or six before posting.

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February 24, 2011 Posted by | Nonsense | 1 Comment

Prepare for the Upcoming Justin Bieber Invasion

As you know, we here at MGSE like to prepare for potential apocalyptic events. I feel adequately prepared for the return of the dinosaurs, the zombie apocalypse, the zombie-bird apocalypse, and nuclear apocalypse. When I am looking for information on the newest and greatest threat to mankind, I usually head over to The Oatmeal.

One of my friends (I can’t remember who you are because you signed off before I finished the quiz) had linked to this in their gchat status. I don’t think the threat of swarming Justin Biebers can be overstated. We should all make time to take this quiz to determine how many threatening Biebers we can kill. If that number is not very high, I would also suggest enrolling in some martial arts classes, or perhaps a fencing course, to better help mankind against invading Biebers.

Remember, the Bieber apocalypse is not an IF, it is a WHEN. Will you be prepared?

How many Justin Biebers could you take in a fight?

Created by Oatmeal

 

 

 

February 22, 2011 Posted by | Nonsense | , , | 1 Comment

Go see True Grit

I went to see True Grit yesterday. Despite Regal Potomac Yard 16’s best efforts to prevent me from making the movie on time (which included two of the four fandango ticket redemption machines being broken, and one of the most inept concession stand displays I have ever seen), I managed to make it right as the previews were starting.

For those of you who don’t want to see me pretend to be a movie critic for the next few paragraphs, I will paraphrase here: True Grit is one of the best movies I have seen in a really long time, and you should go see it.

Why is it great? Well first the acting is top notch, Hailee Steinfeld is phenomenal as Mattie Ross. She is 14 or 15 in real life and plays the part with all the poise of someone who has been acting for fourteen or fifteen years. Jeff Bridges is hilarious as the oft drunk Rooster Cogburn. Matt Damon is great as always as Texas Ranger LaBoeuf. The acting in these three roles had to be top notch since the three of them in one grouping or another share the screen for the vast majority of the movie. None of them disappoint.

I found myself laughing a lot more than I expected going into the movie. The humor is dry and sarcastic, which is always a recipe for success when done well. A lot of this has to do with the script, which is really top notch. It captured the era very well without being cheesy.

I’m not a huge fan of the Coen brothers’ previous films, so maybe I went in with lower expectations, but they deserve accolades for this movie. It is awesome.

February 22, 2011 Posted by | Nonsense | , | Leave a comment

A Question About Aliens

Last night while watching TV with my girlfriend, I posed the following question to her:

If a group of aliens busted into my apartment and said they were going to abduct me, but that I would be returned in exactly one year completely unharmed, would you wait for me?

I was expecting a simple “yes” to which I would smile and move on with my life, instead, she was decidedly more noncommittal:

I mean….I don’t know…but I would definitely take care of your cat, and probably get outrageously drunk on wine by myself.

As heartwarming as it was to know that my cat would be taken care of in my absence, I was a little confused about why I couldn’t rely on her to be around when I came back. She reasoned;

I don’t trust aliens. How do I know they wouldn’t harm you? Plus I’ll just send some zombie birds to rescue you.

I decided to leave the argument about how zombie birds could never defeat aliens for another day.

Now granted, one could say that taking care of my cat and getting drunk on wine alone constitutes “waiting” for me, but I was still expecting a more ringing endorsement of our relationship in the face of aliens abducting me for one year.  Plus, if she really doesn’t trust the aliens and was concerned that they would go back on their words and hurt me, wouldn’t I need her more when I was finally returned?

Am I wrong to here?

 

February 18, 2011 Posted by | Nonsense | , | 1 Comment

An Issue with Evites

One of the ways you know you are getting old is when friends start to make fun of you for using Facebook invite instead of Evite. I’m not sure when the internets decided that it was juvenile to send Facebook invites. I mean, only one out of every seven human beings in the world uses Facebook, and most of them on a regular basis, so I can see why some people would relate using Facebook invites to attending college night at McFaddens.

Generally Evite is reliable and easy to use, but I do have one issue that I think makes Facebook invite superior.

When I receive a Facebook invite I get an email saying, “Joe Smith has invited you to MY 24th BIRTHDAY PARTY!” Most excellent, Joe!. I know exactly who you are because your first and last name is listed, and I can decide very easily whether or not I want to go to your birthday party.

When I receive an Evite, usually one of two things happen:

1) The sender is something like “Jason, Steve, and Robert” Off the top of my head I could probably name 20 people I know named Jason, Steve, and/or Robert. Most of them know each other. Do I know all three of the people who have invited me to their event? Am I supposed to know which of the six Steves I am friends with sent this to me? Is it going to be really awkward if I think it’s “really good friend Jason”, but it turns out it’s “we did a project together in college and I accidentally sent the evite out to all of my Gmail contacts……but thanks for coming….” Jason?

2) The sender is something like, “Gucci” or “DJ Tone Loc” or “Mike Tyson.” Clearly a nick name and equally clearly not one that everyone on the invite list is familiar with. I would suggest not using a nickname unless all of the following apply:

A) The only people who call you by your real name are significant others or family
B) You can reliably say that more people have you listed in their phone by your nickname than by your real name
C) When out with friends, you are introduced like this; “This is my friend (real name) but most people call him (nick name).”

If that doesn’t apply, please use your real name, because I am not going to go on a grail quest to figure out the story behind the nick name that will allow me to determine who you are.

There is one simple solution if you disagree with me on either of these points. If your name is one of the top 100 most common names in existence, or you insist on using a nick name that only three people are familiar with, make sure your Evite profile is filled out with your last name.

February 18, 2011 Posted by | Nonsense | , , | Leave a comment

What Should Marc Dress Up as for Halloween?

Originally I planned to write a blog post about things that might happen in 2011 (maybe Lindsay Lohan will finally get clean, maybe I will go to a Washington Nationals game because I want to see the Washington Nationals, not the opposing team, things like that). As I was writing, I came to the topic of Halloween.

Halloween usually falls the weekend before Election Day. Because of this, I have not been able to dress up for Halloween in quite some time. While all of my single guy friends are figuring out which bar will have the most women dressed up as “sexy (fill in the blank)”, all my guy friends with girlfriends are trying to figure out what famous pair they and their significant other can dress up as that will A) allow her to dress provocatively while at the same time B) making sure every gentleman they encounter knows she is not single, and all my girlfriends are deciding between dressing up as sexy mermaid, sexy cat, a hooker, or J-Woww, I am been pulling 20-hour days. Not fun.

This year though, I’ll be going all out. I’m beyond pumped. I remembered all of the great costume ideas I had over the last few years that never materialized, and decided that I needed to take this post in a different direction.

I know it is January, but I would like your help deciding what I should dress up as for Halloween 2011. I’ve listed seven options below, with details of my vision:

1) Michael Jackson from the Free Willy “Will You Be there” music video.This would involve a very loose white undershirt, white button down, tight black pants, black wig, and somehow rigging an orca whale above my head ala the scene of Willy jumping over the kid and the barrier in the movie.

2) Mika. This would involve a tight white suit, sparkly shirt, crazy socks, a black wig, and somehow rigging a boombox to my body that could play “Grace Kelly” on repeat.

3) The Golden Snitch. This would involve a sparkly gold speedo, lots of gold body paint, a gold wig, and shouting “CATCH THE GOLDEN SNITCH!” at the top of my lungs at strangers. Preferably this would also include a person dressed up as Harry Potter to chase me around so we can scream “150 POINTS TO GRYFFINDOR!” whenever I am caught.

4) The Full Mighty Ducks Team. This would involve green hockey pants, personalized Mighty Duck t-shirts, maybe hockey helmets, and 19 of my friends who can A) roller blade and B) like to quack. 2o if we included Gordon Bombay. 21 if we included Hans. Really I would only do this if I was guaranteed to have every member of the team represented.

5) Patches O’Houlihan. This would involve some kind of white shirt, a white scarf, a bomber jacket, patches, an old mangy looking white wig, a bag of wrenches, a wheel chair, and friends who don’t mind being pushed into oncoming traffic as I shout, “IF YOU CAN DODGE TRAFFIC, YOU CAN DODGE A BALL!”

6) Tellitubby. I would go to a costume store and purchasing a full body costume. I would say I can relate the most to LaLa, so I would probably dress up as Lala,  but I look better in purple, so maybe Tinky Winky.

7) Alanis Morisette from the Thank You music video. It is such a good idea. Since my girlfriend refuses to grow her hair out to make this dream come true, I will do it. This would involve a flesh-tone body suit, two socks, a very, very long woman’s black wig, and…well that’s about it really.

Follow the link below to vote in the poll for the costume you think is best. The poll will be open for ten days. Whatever costume wins, I will dress up as, no ifs, ands, or buts. The choice is yours.

What should Marc dress up as for Halloween?
(polls)

January 5, 2011 Posted by | Nonsense | , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

These Abbreviations Should Be Retired…Now

Like 98% of DC (no seriously, I’m pretty sure Police/Fire/EMT employees were the only people working in DC from December 5th through yesterday) I took a brief hiatus from blogging for the holidays. Christmas was great. Went to visit the girlfriend’s family. Spent some quality time in upstate New York. Managed to avoid the northeastern snowpocalypse. Laughed at DC weather men/women apologizing for costing the city millions because of incorrect weather models. Held a New Years Party. Conked out at 12:45 or 1:00 like a good host. Died on January 1st. Revived myself with a great brunch on January 2nd. Now, I am here.

OK!

Abbreviations can be broken down into three categories.

Practical Abbreviations: These abbreviations actually accomplish the goal of shortening a word that needs to be shortened. Examples include “cell” for “cellular” (side note: people over the age of 65 have refused to get on the “cell” bandwagon. Your grandmother will insist that you “call her cellular phone if you need her” more often than not) and “decaf” for “decaffeinated” (side note: I don’t think Starbucks would have gotten off the ground if not for this abbreviation). On a larger scale, we’re talking federal agencies (FBI), sports statistics (ERA), salutations (Mr, Dr.).

Internet Boom Abbreviations: These are abbreviations that grew from the boom in online dialogue. Phrases like, “lol” and “brb” and “omg.” As the internet grew, some of these abbreviations jumped off the computer screen and became commonly spoken abbreviations as well. Unfortunately over the past five years or so, 12-year old gamers, the Brits, and 35-year old internet trolls have murdered internet shorthand to the degree that future civilizations would not be able to decipher it.

Pop-culture abbreviations: Words or phrases that one would never think to abbreviate, until hearing said abbrev on a TV show, movie, spoken by your favorite celebrity. Some examples include “GTL” for “gym, tan, laundry” (made popular by the iconic Jersey Shore cast), “MILF” for “Mother I’d Like to Fuck” (made popular by American Pie, and an incredibly popular pornographic website that I’m pretty sure would get me banned from WordPress if linked to), FML for “Fuck My Life” (made popular by the website with the same name), and “totes magotes” for “totally magotes” (made popular by the film I Love You Man).

I can get behind almost all abbreviations in these three categories. However, there is an emerging fourth category of abbreviations that really need to be stopped.

I call these, “anti-abbreviations.”

Consider the definition of abbreviation:

a shortened or contracted form of a word or phrase, used to represent the whole,

The “anti-abbreviation” bastardizes this definition in one of the following ways:

1) The abbreviation is longer than the original word, or takes longer to say than the original word

Sometimes they have more syllables (ie: GSW for “gun shot wound,” h/t to my friend Keith). Sometimes, the amount of time it takes you to spit the abbreviation out is longer than the original.

For instance, the abbreviation of “cray cray” for “crazy.”

Try saying “cray cray” out loud.

Now say, “crazy crazy.”

Now, lets ignore the fact that using “cray cray” makes you sound at best like a toddler trying to learn how to speak and at worst a teenager tweeting death threats to Selena Gomez, when you said the two forms of crazy, tell me if you saved yourself anytime at all in using that abbreviation? I know I didn’t. So why does it exist? “Being cute” is not an adequate reason to abbreviate a word.

2) Completely and entirely unnecessary due to the length of the actual word

What is it about the two-syllable word, “crazy” that makes abbreviating it with a two-syllable abbreviation more convenient?

Anyone?……Bueller?

Nothing? Yes, that is correct. The answer is nothing. Another example of a word that often gets abbreviated is the word, “very.” Wanna know what it gets abbreviated to?

“v”

V?!

“Very” is so difficult to say and write that reducing it to the letter “v,” thus making it completely indistinguishable from a random keystroke or vocal twitch, is easier than writing it out or saying it aloud? V nice, v frustrated, v turned on. All uses of the word that I’ve seen before. All examples of times where it took me longer to figure out why they wrote or said “v” than it would have to process the common phrases of “very nice” “very frustrated” and “very turned on.”

You know what, fine. From now on, the following common words are going to be abbreviated by the first letter of the word; apple, bus, cat, dog, every, fine, good/great, hello, ignore, juice, knife, long, man, not, over, put/place, quit, really, short, time, under, very, wear, x……moving on, your, zebra.

So, next t y head to the store, I need y to pick up some uw and a l k, also the c and d need food.

Yup. This trend is making life easier for all of us.

3) Impossible to understand unless written in the right context

Coincidently, “v” for “very” also fits this category. The sports world has been doing this with sports injuries for quite some time. When sports announcers realized the .3 seconds (no really, it is .3 seconds, I timed it) it takes to say the word “injury” could be used to fawn over Brett Favre, they decided to just stop saying the word altogether. Now we get, “Wade is going to miss the rest of the game with an ankle,” or “Greg Oden is out for the season with the 7th knee of his career.”

It drives me crazy. Say the word injury! In any other context, not saying the word “injury” is a terrible abbreviation. If doctors didn’t say injury, patients would probably die.

Another annoying one, “perf” for “perfect.” Perfect does not need to be abbreviated. “Perf” could just as easily mean “prefer.” It is just way too difficult to understand unless it is put in the PERFECT context.

Another one, “ano.”

Wanna know what “ano” is an abbreviation of?

“Anorexic.” Yup, write ten sentences with anorexic abbreviated to “ano” and I’d probably correctly figure out what you were trying to say in three of them.

So, people of the world. I plead with you for common sense. This is not personal. There are abbreviations that I think are ridiculous that I left off this list because I can see their appeal to some people. Things like, “obvio” for “obviously” and “margs” for “margaritas”. HOWEVER, we all need to join together to prevent abbreviations from the aforementioned categories from becoming commonplace.

January 4, 2011 Posted by | Nonsense | | 7 Comments

How to Avoid a Punch Face

Note: Big thanks to my friend Brew who helped me with this post a few months ago, even though he probably doesn’t remember doing so.

You know that one guy at work who bothers you? And the feeling you get when you encounter him? You don’t understand why, exactly it is that he bothers you. He is well dressed and grooms himself on a regular basis. He isn’t overly touchy, or awkward. He doesn’t make bad or off-color jokes. There is just something about him that awakens a primordial desire to lash out at him with your fists. Repeatedly.

Look that man in the face the next time you see him…Think to yourself whether or not all of your problems would be solved if you just punched him right in the mouth.

If this feeling soothes you, then chances are you are working with a punch face. For a more succinct definition of the term punch face, I will turn to one of the most useful resources in blogging; Urban Dictionary.

1. Punch Face (Adjective)
A reference to the type of face adorning someone who you want/need to punch in the face, with or without justification.

I’m so sick of my fucking boss. He has a serious punch face.

What makes punch face so hard to deal with, is that it is everywhere, like smoking, and the Waynes brothers (who have some pretty serious punch faces themselves).

While there isn’t much I can do about the punch faces you work with, or go to school with, or were birthed from, or decided to marry, I can provide you with some tips on how to minimize optional punch face in your free time.

Tip Number 1: Do not visit the great state of Alaska: In 2008, Alaska projectile vomited the worst it has to offer on the rest of America in the form of epic punch face Bristol Palin, and punch face Mount Rushmore nominee Levi Johnston. It would probably be smart to avoid the state of Alaska altogether if you are trying to avoid punching faces.

Tip Number 2: Do not watch Laguna Beach, The Hills or any reality television show based in California: Lest you stumble upon one of the main breeding and feeding grounds of the punch face. I’ve never been myself, but I’ve been forced (read: I turn it on and can’t turn it off) into watching enough episodes of these two faux reality tv shows to know that 96% of all males and an astonishing 68% of all females in these two places will make you want to punch them in the face. This is also where I was first introduced to a man who, if I saw him, I may actually punch without fear of repercussion, Spencer Pratt. Save yourself the trouble and watch The Real Housewives of Atlanta…wait…on second thought.

Tip Number 3: Do not watch the Real Housewives of Atlanta: No seriously, turn the channel, now!

Tip Number 4: Do not read any People magazines from 2004-2008: Because it will probably mention Kevin Federline.

Tip Number 5: Do not watch Fox News: I promise you, this has nothing to do with my political leanings. He may be an absolute moron, but even if he delivered my mail, bagged my groceries, or changed the oil in my car, I would still think Glenn Beck has a really, really bad punch face.

Tip Number 6: Stay away from the Star Wars prequels: Hayden Christensen does not have a punch face. However, when he transforms into Anakin Skywalker, oh baby, watch out. The combination of Skywalker’s rat tail and his constant whining/crying/rage issues makes me want to uppercut him in the jaw. I don’t care that he could kill me by looking at me. I would attempt it. Thank GOD he gets all effed up by Obi Wan and has to wear a mask to live.

Tip Number 7: Avoid movies starring Chris Tucker, Shia Labeouf, and/or Pauly Shore: This is actually sound advice in life, not just in avoiding punch faces. If you even need a reason, see here, here, and here.

Follow these simple tips, and I guarantee your life will be a lot easier to handle.

December 20, 2010 Posted by | Nonsense | , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

The Top Ten Jasons I Would Like to Stay Far Away from my Girlfriend: Part 2

Click here if you missed Part 1 of the list and have no idea what is going on.

Here we go with Part 2 of the Top Ten Jasons I Would Like to Stay Far Away from my Girlfriend.

5) Jason the Red Ranger

Why I’d like him to stay away: Because weapons that he is known to carry on his person include the power sword, blade blaster, and dragon dagger. Because at one point he took on the powers of an injured alien and became the gold ranger. Because I would be worried that the spark spray that is associated with every single correct strike of a weapon in the power rangers world would injure Brit. Because when he wasn’t being a Power Ranger, he was probably wrecking a lot of women in Angel Grove (at least until Tommy the Green/White Ranger showed up). Because I think Brit would leave me if Jason asked her to become a Power Ranger.

Why when I really think about it, I am not all that concerned: Because he only fights aliens. Big ass aliens. Because underneath his spandex suit he looks like this. Because Jason could probably receive a medal of valor for the number of grenades he fell on after Tommy the Green/White Ranger showed up. Because he chose to leave the Power Rangers to attend the World Teen Summit in Switzerland, so he is obviously a big sissy. Because Brittany hates birds and thus is scared of flying in the air with them, as all Power Rangers must do.

4) Jason Mraz

Why I’d like him to stay away: Because he is incredibly good-looking. Because he can sing really well. Because he can play the guitar. Because look at how preposterously well-groomed his hair is. Because he could start playing random chords on his guitar and string together things he sees in the room (doo woopa doo bee doo bee doo woop arm-chair light fixture guy in a suit walking by meee), say it was a song about Brit, and melt her heart. Because when I asked Brit if she thought he was hot she replied, “he probably knows his way around a lady.” Because I’m not convinced that the picture above is staged, I think that is just what he does on a regular basis.

Why when I really think about it, I am not all that concerned: Because I am fairly certain that I could beat him up if we got in a fight. Because I think all the other guys in the immediate vicinity of our fight would help me beat him up. Because I think I could go all Bluto guitar smash on him and completely ruin his game. Because there is a 77% chance that he would be too high to hit on anything but a bong. Because he is determined to bring the bucket hat back and it looks ridiculous.

3) Jason Statham

Why I’d like him to stay away: Because DO YOU SEE THE PICTURE ABOVE THIS TEXT?! Because he is British. Because he has an eight pack. Because his two “looks” in the movie industry are, “I’m going to sleep with you in a way you have never been slept with before” and “we are getting really close to that point in this conversation where I am going to kill you.” Because he appears to be mid-air, palming that metal pipe as he works his way across it the same way that Shaq palms a basketball. Because there were 100 other pictures of him doing similar feats of strength with relative ease.

Why when I really think about it, I am not all that concerned: (Editor’s Note: We have officially hit that point in the countdown where I am really going to be grasping at straws as to why I would not be concerned about this person having a toxic impact on Brit’s life) Because apparently he is currently dating a Victoria’s Secret model named Rosie Huntington-Whiteley (you’re welcome). Because he generally seems like a nice guy when he is not pissed off, and not pissing off Jason Statham is one of my life goals. Because maybe he could teach me how to shimmy across that metal bar, but probably not. (Second Editor’s note: I am legitimately scared to say anything bad about Jason Statham, like maybe a knock on his box-office performance, or his intelligence, because I don’t want him to kill me. So we’re just going to move on).

2) Jason Bourne

Why I’d like him to stay away: Because he was able to knock out two Swiss policemen after sleeping on a park bench and despite having retrograde amnesia. Because he is a trained government assassin. Because he is being hunted by the CIA. Because I would probably be waterboarded if I was captured by the CIA and linked to him. Because he appears to have master-class skill over every weapon known to man. Because everyone who he comes into close contact with ends up being shot at and/or dying (Identity: Marie’s sister and children are almost sniped by Clive Owen, Supremacy: Marie is shot in the head when fleeing an assassin, Ultimatum: Newspaper reporter is killed at the train station).

Why when I really think about it, I am not all that concerned: Because we just talked about how lame the Swiss are, so beating them up isn’t that impressive. Because he got super lucky when he killed Clive Owen. Because he probably would have been clipped if he hadn’t had help from Pamela Landy and Nicky Parsons. Because this all adds up to me feeling relatively certain that I could survive Jason Bourne coming into Brit’s life, even if his reaction to my asking him to go away and leave us in peace instead of being all toxic with her would be to drop kick me in the face then snap my neck while screaming at me in foreign languages.

…Nothing about this would be good…

1) Jason Vorhees

Why I’d like him to stay away: Because he has rage problems. Because Jason has killed 154 people. Because he has employed the following tactics to kill his victims: an ice pick to the temple, pitchfork to the neck so that the person hangs from the ceiling, scalpel to the gut, freezing a man’s face in liquid nitrogen and smashing it on the counter, harpoon to the back, decapitation via the force of his punch, crushing of the head with his bare hands. Because there is a negative five percent chance that my girlfriend would live through a “toxic” experience with Jason Voorhees. Because he has been macheted in the shoulder, axed in the head, hacked up by a machete, melted by toxic waste, and stabbed with a mystical dagger and dragged to hell, and still lives to kill. Because we obviously wouldn’t be able to kill him. Because even when he has died he has been resurrected no less than 4 times.

Why when I really think about it, I am not all that concerned: I mean, if you can think of a reason why I shouldn’t be concerned if Jason Vorhees suddenly came into my girlfriend’s life, comment on the entry and I will gladly update this post.

December 15, 2010 Posted by | Nonsense | , , , , , , | 3 Comments

The Top Ten Jasons I Would Like to Stay Far Away from my Girlfriend, Part 1

Once every year or so, Brit’s mother (who is wonderful, and who we affectionately call, “Lady”) goes to see Phil the psychic. Phil gives Lady information about her family, and what sorts of ups and downs they can expect over the next couple of years. Having heard many stories about Phil the psychic’s predictions, I can say that he is pretty good.

Last month, Lady went to visit Phil the psychic and learned that someone by the name of “Jason” would have a “toxic effect on Brittany’s life.”

When Brit told me this, it sort of put me on tilt. Usually, it is not a good thing for anything toxic to come into your life. I can think of only one example where it might be OK. As a guy, if my girlfriend/significant other/slam piece/hook up for the evening decided to put on a performance dressed as Brittany Spears in the Toxic music video, it would probably work out as a net positive.

But that’s it. So I’ve been a little concerned about this Jason character and who he might be. I ran through our lists of friends and could only think of my buddy Jason from college. Pretty much the most toxic thing he could do is throw up on Brittany after a night of heavy drinking. I don’t think that’s what Psychic Phil has seen. Now when we go out I am constantly on guard for people we meet named “Jason,” and wondering whether or not a jury of my peers would agree that I had a right to preemptively punch said Jason in the mouth based on the testimony of Psychic Phil.

This led to the creation of the following list.

The Top Ten Jasons I Would Like to Stay Far Away from my Girlfriend: Part 1

In reverse order.

10) Jason Priestley

Why I’d like him to stay away: Because he spent eight years playing heart-throb Brandon Walsh on Beverly Hills 90210. Because he is 41 years old and is still more attractive than me. Because he can successfully pull off the goatee. Because even though he hasn’t been relevant for a decade, his hobbies include race car driving. Because I’d be toast in my GF’s life he Jason Priestley came around.

Why when I really think about it, I am not all that concerned: Because he is Canadian. Because off the top of my head I could name more TV Movies (Expecting a Miracle) than I could films (none) that he has been in, ever. Probably because his most recent film roles were Jude in something called Hot Tamale and D.J. in Made in Brooklyn. Because I asked Brit if she thought he was cute and she said “eh, he was OK back in the Day.” Because he’s married with a kid, so I am probably overreacting.

9) Jason Derulo

Why I’d like him to stay away: Because of the song, “Whatcha Say.” Because everything about the picture above screams, “I’m probably going to inappropriately grope someone at the club tonight.” Because he is younger than my brother, which if you saw how Brit’s eyes light up when Justin Bieber hits the stage, you would understand is a problem.

Why when I really think about it, I am not all that concerned: Because I couldn’t find a picture of him where he didn’t have punchface. Because I have ruined Jason Derulo for Brit by singing all of his songs in what I like to call, “Jason Derulo falsetto.” Because he just seems like a creepy dude.

8 ) Jason Bateman

Editors note: FYI, when you put 8 next to a parenthesis, it automatically creates a sunglasses emoticon. 8). Kind of annoying, WordPress.
Update: Well, maybe not. I have no idea what is going on now.
Update 2: 8) See! I told you!


Why I’d like him to stay away: Because of Arrested Development. Because it would take maybe five authentic Michael Bluth lines, followed by him saying “I’m going to borrow you as my girlfriend for a little while,” for Brit to say, “OK!.” Because if he is actually a serial killer, he could probably abduct Brit while I was keeled over in laughter from talking to him.

Why when I really think about it, I am not all that concerned: Because it’s Jason Bateman! He is awesome! Because he is so cool. Because there is no way he could have a toxic impact on Brit’s life. Because it would have to be some other Jason, and we would all just be friends with Jason Bateman….right?…..right?

7) Jason Acuna (aka: Wee-Man)

Why I’d like him to stay away: Because I could write a blog post about how often Brittany accidentally hurts herself. Because since Brittany is so accident-prone, she would probably be seriously injured or die if asked to participate in a Jackass stunt. Because there is a 78% chance that Wee-Man would ask to crash on the couch for a couple of nights, and then 3 months later he is still there and its weird. Because there is a 0% chance that Brit would get her security deposit back if anyone associated with Jackass lived in her apartment for any period of time.

Why when I really think about it, I am not all that concerned:Because my desire to see Wee-Man kick himself in the head in-person supersedes all of the  aforementioned concerns.

6) Jason Giambi

Why I’d like him to stay away: Because if I rearrange the list to reflect my certainty that, should this person come into Brit’s life, it would DEFINITELY be for no other reason than to be toxic, he ranks 2nd. Because anyone who grows a molestache cannot be trusted. Because of roid rage. Because if you photoshop the background of 95% of the pictures I found of Jason Giambi to a cement wall, you’d have a mug shot.

Why when I really think about it, I am not all that concerned: Because he lacks any quality or personality trait that would get him into my girlfriends life in the first place (Priestley-good looking, Derulo-musician, Bateman-funny, Acuna-wee, Giambi….). Because we would probably fondly discuss our interactions with him like we do our interactions with our favorite homeless people around the city.  Because I could probably get him drunk and make him tell me which baseball players are doing steroids.

Jasons 5 through1 will be up tomorrow.

December 14, 2010 Posted by | Nonsense | , , , , , | 6 Comments