Marc’s GChat Status Expanded

These Abbreviations Should Be Retired…Now

Like 98% of DC (no seriously, I’m pretty sure Police/Fire/EMT employees were the only people working in DC from December 5th through yesterday) I took a brief hiatus from blogging for the holidays. Christmas was great. Went to visit the girlfriend’s family. Spent some quality time in upstate New York. Managed to avoid the northeastern snowpocalypse. Laughed at DC weather men/women apologizing for costing the city millions because of incorrect weather models. Held a New Years Party. Conked out at 12:45 or 1:00 like a good host. Died on January 1st. Revived myself with a great brunch on January 2nd. Now, I am here.

OK!

Abbreviations can be broken down into three categories.

Practical Abbreviations: These abbreviations actually accomplish the goal of shortening a word that needs to be shortened. Examples include “cell” for “cellular” (side note: people over the age of 65 have refused to get on the “cell” bandwagon. Your grandmother will insist that you “call her cellular phone if you need her” more often than not) and “decaf” for “decaffeinated” (side note: I don’t think Starbucks would have gotten off the ground if not for this abbreviation). On a larger scale, we’re talking federal agencies (FBI), sports statistics (ERA), salutations (Mr, Dr.).

Internet Boom Abbreviations: These are abbreviations that grew from the boom in online dialogue. Phrases like, “lol” and “brb” and “omg.” As the internet grew, some of these abbreviations jumped off the computer screen and became commonly spoken abbreviations as well. Unfortunately over the past five years or so, 12-year old gamers, the Brits, and 35-year old internet trolls have murdered internet shorthand to the degree that future civilizations would not be able to decipher it.

Pop-culture abbreviations: Words or phrases that one would never think to abbreviate, until hearing said abbrev on a TV show, movie, spoken by your favorite celebrity. Some examples include “GTL” for “gym, tan, laundry” (made popular by the iconic Jersey Shore cast), “MILF” for “Mother I’d Like to Fuck” (made popular by American Pie, and an incredibly popular pornographic website that I’m pretty sure would get me banned from WordPress if linked to), FML for “Fuck My Life” (made popular by the website with the same name), and “totes magotes” for “totally magotes” (made popular by the film I Love You Man).

I can get behind almost all abbreviations in these three categories. However, there is an emerging fourth category of abbreviations that really need to be stopped.

I call these, “anti-abbreviations.”

Consider the definition of abbreviation:

a shortened or contracted form of a word or phrase, used to represent the whole,

The “anti-abbreviation” bastardizes this definition in one of the following ways:

1) The abbreviation is longer than the original word, or takes longer to say than the original word

Sometimes they have more syllables (ie: GSW for “gun shot wound,” h/t to my friend Keith). Sometimes, the amount of time it takes you to spit the abbreviation out is longer than the original.

For instance, the abbreviation of “cray cray” for “crazy.”

Try saying “cray cray” out loud.

Now say, “crazy crazy.”

Now, lets ignore the fact that using “cray cray” makes you sound at best like a toddler trying to learn how to speak and at worst a teenager tweeting death threats to Selena Gomez, when you said the two forms of crazy, tell me if you saved yourself anytime at all in using that abbreviation? I know I didn’t. So why does it exist? “Being cute” is not an adequate reason to abbreviate a word.

2) Completely and entirely unnecessary due to the length of the actual word

What is it about the two-syllable word, “crazy” that makes abbreviating it with a two-syllable abbreviation more convenient?

Anyone?……Bueller?

Nothing? Yes, that is correct. The answer is nothing. Another example of a word that often gets abbreviated is the word, “very.” Wanna know what it gets abbreviated to?

“v”

V?!

“Very” is so difficult to say and write that reducing it to the letter “v,” thus making it completely indistinguishable from a random keystroke or vocal twitch, is easier than writing it out or saying it aloud? V nice, v frustrated, v turned on. All uses of the word that I’ve seen before. All examples of times where it took me longer to figure out why they wrote or said “v” than it would have to process the common phrases of “very nice” “very frustrated” and “very turned on.”

You know what, fine. From now on, the following common words are going to be abbreviated by the first letter of the word; apple, bus, cat, dog, every, fine, good/great, hello, ignore, juice, knife, long, man, not, over, put/place, quit, really, short, time, under, very, wear, x……moving on, your, zebra.

So, next t y head to the store, I need y to pick up some uw and a l k, also the c and d need food.

Yup. This trend is making life easier for all of us.

3) Impossible to understand unless written in the right context

Coincidently, “v” for “very” also fits this category. The sports world has been doing this with sports injuries for quite some time. When sports announcers realized the .3 seconds (no really, it is .3 seconds, I timed it) it takes to say the word “injury” could be used to fawn over Brett Favre, they decided to just stop saying the word altogether. Now we get, “Wade is going to miss the rest of the game with an ankle,” or “Greg Oden is out for the season with the 7th knee of his career.”

It drives me crazy. Say the word injury! In any other context, not saying the word “injury” is a terrible abbreviation. If doctors didn’t say injury, patients would probably die.

Another annoying one, “perf” for “perfect.” Perfect does not need to be abbreviated. “Perf” could just as easily mean “prefer.” It is just way too difficult to understand unless it is put in the PERFECT context.

Another one, “ano.”

Wanna know what “ano” is an abbreviation of?

“Anorexic.” Yup, write ten sentences with anorexic abbreviated to “ano” and I’d probably correctly figure out what you were trying to say in three of them.

So, people of the world. I plead with you for common sense. This is not personal. There are abbreviations that I think are ridiculous that I left off this list because I can see their appeal to some people. Things like, “obvio” for “obviously” and “margs” for “margaritas”. HOWEVER, we all need to join together to prevent abbreviations from the aforementioned categories from becoming commonplace.

January 4, 2011 Posted by | Nonsense | | 7 Comments

How to Avoid a Punch Face

Note: Big thanks to my friend Brew who helped me with this post a few months ago, even though he probably doesn’t remember doing so.

You know that one guy at work who bothers you? And the feeling you get when you encounter him? You don’t understand why, exactly it is that he bothers you. He is well dressed and grooms himself on a regular basis. He isn’t overly touchy, or awkward. He doesn’t make bad or off-color jokes. There is just something about him that awakens a primordial desire to lash out at him with your fists. Repeatedly.

Look that man in the face the next time you see him…Think to yourself whether or not all of your problems would be solved if you just punched him right in the mouth.

If this feeling soothes you, then chances are you are working with a punch face. For a more succinct definition of the term punch face, I will turn to one of the most useful resources in blogging; Urban Dictionary.

1. Punch Face (Adjective)
A reference to the type of face adorning someone who you want/need to punch in the face, with or without justification.

I’m so sick of my fucking boss. He has a serious punch face.

What makes punch face so hard to deal with, is that it is everywhere, like smoking, and the Waynes brothers (who have some pretty serious punch faces themselves).

While there isn’t much I can do about the punch faces you work with, or go to school with, or were birthed from, or decided to marry, I can provide you with some tips on how to minimize optional punch face in your free time.

Tip Number 1: Do not visit the great state of Alaska: In 2008, Alaska projectile vomited the worst it has to offer on the rest of America in the form of epic punch face Bristol Palin, and punch face Mount Rushmore nominee Levi Johnston. It would probably be smart to avoid the state of Alaska altogether if you are trying to avoid punching faces.

Tip Number 2: Do not watch Laguna Beach, The Hills or any reality television show based in California: Lest you stumble upon one of the main breeding and feeding grounds of the punch face. I’ve never been myself, but I’ve been forced (read: I turn it on and can’t turn it off) into watching enough episodes of these two faux reality tv shows to know that 96% of all males and an astonishing 68% of all females in these two places will make you want to punch them in the face. This is also where I was first introduced to a man who, if I saw him, I may actually punch without fear of repercussion, Spencer Pratt. Save yourself the trouble and watch The Real Housewives of Atlanta…wait…on second thought.

Tip Number 3: Do not watch the Real Housewives of Atlanta: No seriously, turn the channel, now!

Tip Number 4: Do not read any People magazines from 2004-2008: Because it will probably mention Kevin Federline.

Tip Number 5: Do not watch Fox News: I promise you, this has nothing to do with my political leanings. He may be an absolute moron, but even if he delivered my mail, bagged my groceries, or changed the oil in my car, I would still think Glenn Beck has a really, really bad punch face.

Tip Number 6: Stay away from the Star Wars prequels: Hayden Christensen does not have a punch face. However, when he transforms into Anakin Skywalker, oh baby, watch out. The combination of Skywalker’s rat tail and his constant whining/crying/rage issues makes me want to uppercut him in the jaw. I don’t care that he could kill me by looking at me. I would attempt it. Thank GOD he gets all effed up by Obi Wan and has to wear a mask to live.

Tip Number 7: Avoid movies starring Chris Tucker, Shia Labeouf, and/or Pauly Shore: This is actually sound advice in life, not just in avoiding punch faces. If you even need a reason, see here, here, and here.

Follow these simple tips, and I guarantee your life will be a lot easier to handle.

December 20, 2010 Posted by | Nonsense | , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

The Top Ten Jasons I Would Like to Stay Far Away from my Girlfriend: Part 2

Click here if you missed Part 1 of the list and have no idea what is going on.

Here we go with Part 2 of the Top Ten Jasons I Would Like to Stay Far Away from my Girlfriend.

5) Jason the Red Ranger

Why I’d like him to stay away: Because weapons that he is known to carry on his person include the power sword, blade blaster, and dragon dagger. Because at one point he took on the powers of an injured alien and became the gold ranger. Because I would be worried that the spark spray that is associated with every single correct strike of a weapon in the power rangers world would injure Brit. Because when he wasn’t being a Power Ranger, he was probably wrecking a lot of women in Angel Grove (at least until Tommy the Green/White Ranger showed up). Because I think Brit would leave me if Jason asked her to become a Power Ranger.

Why when I really think about it, I am not all that concerned: Because he only fights aliens. Big ass aliens. Because underneath his spandex suit he looks like this. Because Jason could probably receive a medal of valor for the number of grenades he fell on after Tommy the Green/White Ranger showed up. Because he chose to leave the Power Rangers to attend the World Teen Summit in Switzerland, so he is obviously a big sissy. Because Brittany hates birds and thus is scared of flying in the air with them, as all Power Rangers must do.

4) Jason Mraz

Why I’d like him to stay away: Because he is incredibly good-looking. Because he can sing really well. Because he can play the guitar. Because look at how preposterously well-groomed his hair is. Because he could start playing random chords on his guitar and string together things he sees in the room (doo woopa doo bee doo bee doo woop arm-chair light fixture guy in a suit walking by meee), say it was a song about Brit, and melt her heart. Because when I asked Brit if she thought he was hot she replied, “he probably knows his way around a lady.” Because I’m not convinced that the picture above is staged, I think that is just what he does on a regular basis.

Why when I really think about it, I am not all that concerned: Because I am fairly certain that I could beat him up if we got in a fight. Because I think all the other guys in the immediate vicinity of our fight would help me beat him up. Because I think I could go all Bluto guitar smash on him and completely ruin his game. Because there is a 77% chance that he would be too high to hit on anything but a bong. Because he is determined to bring the bucket hat back and it looks ridiculous.

3) Jason Statham

Why I’d like him to stay away: Because DO YOU SEE THE PICTURE ABOVE THIS TEXT?! Because he is British. Because he has an eight pack. Because his two “looks” in the movie industry are, “I’m going to sleep with you in a way you have never been slept with before” and “we are getting really close to that point in this conversation where I am going to kill you.” Because he appears to be mid-air, palming that metal pipe as he works his way across it the same way that Shaq palms a basketball. Because there were 100 other pictures of him doing similar feats of strength with relative ease.

Why when I really think about it, I am not all that concerned: (Editor’s Note: We have officially hit that point in the countdown where I am really going to be grasping at straws as to why I would not be concerned about this person having a toxic impact on Brit’s life) Because apparently he is currently dating a Victoria’s Secret model named Rosie Huntington-Whiteley (you’re welcome). Because he generally seems like a nice guy when he is not pissed off, and not pissing off Jason Statham is one of my life goals. Because maybe he could teach me how to shimmy across that metal bar, but probably not. (Second Editor’s note: I am legitimately scared to say anything bad about Jason Statham, like maybe a knock on his box-office performance, or his intelligence, because I don’t want him to kill me. So we’re just going to move on).

2) Jason Bourne

Why I’d like him to stay away: Because he was able to knock out two Swiss policemen after sleeping on a park bench and despite having retrograde amnesia. Because he is a trained government assassin. Because he is being hunted by the CIA. Because I would probably be waterboarded if I was captured by the CIA and linked to him. Because he appears to have master-class skill over every weapon known to man. Because everyone who he comes into close contact with ends up being shot at and/or dying (Identity: Marie’s sister and children are almost sniped by Clive Owen, Supremacy: Marie is shot in the head when fleeing an assassin, Ultimatum: Newspaper reporter is killed at the train station).

Why when I really think about it, I am not all that concerned: Because we just talked about how lame the Swiss are, so beating them up isn’t that impressive. Because he got super lucky when he killed Clive Owen. Because he probably would have been clipped if he hadn’t had help from Pamela Landy and Nicky Parsons. Because this all adds up to me feeling relatively certain that I could survive Jason Bourne coming into Brit’s life, even if his reaction to my asking him to go away and leave us in peace instead of being all toxic with her would be to drop kick me in the face then snap my neck while screaming at me in foreign languages.

…Nothing about this would be good…

1) Jason Vorhees

Why I’d like him to stay away: Because he has rage problems. Because Jason has killed 154 people. Because he has employed the following tactics to kill his victims: an ice pick to the temple, pitchfork to the neck so that the person hangs from the ceiling, scalpel to the gut, freezing a man’s face in liquid nitrogen and smashing it on the counter, harpoon to the back, decapitation via the force of his punch, crushing of the head with his bare hands. Because there is a negative five percent chance that my girlfriend would live through a “toxic” experience with Jason Voorhees. Because he has been macheted in the shoulder, axed in the head, hacked up by a machete, melted by toxic waste, and stabbed with a mystical dagger and dragged to hell, and still lives to kill. Because we obviously wouldn’t be able to kill him. Because even when he has died he has been resurrected no less than 4 times.

Why when I really think about it, I am not all that concerned: I mean, if you can think of a reason why I shouldn’t be concerned if Jason Vorhees suddenly came into my girlfriend’s life, comment on the entry and I will gladly update this post.

December 15, 2010 Posted by | Nonsense | , , , , , , | 3 Comments

December 14 For the Win/For the Loss, One Day Late

Sorry about the delay yesterday. Sometimes I get busy.

Reader: But Marc, you are unemployed.

Shut up. Ok, moving on.

For the Win! 🙂

You Park Like an Asshole: In doing research for the Jasons post yesterday, I came across a wonderful website called, You Park Like an Asshole. I have no doubt I am behind the curve on this website. The website purpose as described:

Sick of a car taking up two spaces on the street? How about a car too close to yours? What about the car at the mall parked diagonally? Now you can do something about it. Simply download a notice and place it on the car’s windshield. The owner of the vehicle will be informed of their asshole status as well as the proper tips to improve their poor parking techniques. It’s time to put an end to asshole parking, or at least to make fun of it.

Not only is this a brilliant idea, but the notices themselves are really funny. There are also galleries of user-submitted pictures of people parking like assholes. Living in a city with one of the biggest population of asshole drivers/parkers, it was quite nice to bask in how upsetting people’s inability to park is for just a few moments. Take a look if you get a chance.

Hungover Owls: Because I haven’t blogged in awhile, sometimes For the Win will include links I discovered a long time ago. This is one of those links. I THINK that my roommate had this in his GChat a few months ago. It may have been my friend Miller. Hopefully neither will be offended if I am wrong. The concept of Hungover Owls is simple; take a really awesome picture of an owl looking angry/tired/ridiculous, and write a quote from said owl underneath it that makes it seem as though the owl is speaking while hungover. They are unbelievably funny.

Scarlet Johansson is single!: I mean, I hate to see couples split up, it is almost always sad. Unless of course one of the people is terrible, in which case its usually a relief. In this case, I actually like both parties involved. Scarlet Johansson and Ryan Reynolds have split up. I struggled with whether this was a win or a loss. Ryan Reynolds is a cool dude. I’m looking forward to Green Lantern. Smokin Aces is a badass movie. Just Friends is probably one of my top five guilty pleasure movies. Then I remembered this….

Definitely a win.

For the Loss! 😦

Cliff Lee to the Phillies: 24 hours later and I am no less bitter. The Phillies are probably the best team in baseball right now. The Red Sox are probably a close 2nd. The New York Yankees, with Pettite probably retiring, ARod getting old, AJ Burnett being the worst, and shoddy at best relief pitching, are maybe 3rd. What’s worse is that Phillies fans are absolutely my least favorite fans on the planet. They are worse than Red Sox fans for three reasons.

1) They are the ultimate fair weather fans. Before 2008, I could count the number of Phillies fans I knew on one hand. Since their world series win, anyone remotely close to the city of Philadelphia is suddenly shouting PHILLIES! at the top of their lungs. At least I knew who the Red Sox fans were before 2004, even if they wear more pink now.

2) They have the audacity to call themselves tortured. I don’t care how bad the 76ers, Flyers, or Eagles are, YOU ARE NOT TORTURED SPORTS FANS. I may rail on the Knicks and Rangers mercilessly (a bit less now for the Knicks since they are unstoppable), but I never call myself a tortured fan.

3) They boo and throw snowballs at Santa and intentionally vomit on children and cops.

2011 is going to be a nightmarish baseball season.

LLama:

Check back later today for Jasons Part 2 and more For the Win/For the Loss.

December 15, 2010 Posted by | For the Win/For the Loss | , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Something to hold you over

Apologies for not being able to get today’s For the Win/For the Loss posted. Think of this as glass half full, now you will get at least three posts tomorrow (today’s FTW/FTL, tomorrow’s FTW/FTL, and part 2 of the Jason list).

Because I feel bad, here is a camel falling into the crowd at a church service in Florida.

It was going to go in today’s FTW for sure.

December 14, 2010 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment

The Top Ten Jasons I Would Like to Stay Far Away from my Girlfriend, Part 1

Once every year or so, Brit’s mother (who is wonderful, and who we affectionately call, “Lady”) goes to see Phil the psychic. Phil gives Lady information about her family, and what sorts of ups and downs they can expect over the next couple of years. Having heard many stories about Phil the psychic’s predictions, I can say that he is pretty good.

Last month, Lady went to visit Phil the psychic and learned that someone by the name of “Jason” would have a “toxic effect on Brittany’s life.”

When Brit told me this, it sort of put me on tilt. Usually, it is not a good thing for anything toxic to come into your life. I can think of only one example where it might be OK. As a guy, if my girlfriend/significant other/slam piece/hook up for the evening decided to put on a performance dressed as Brittany Spears in the Toxic music video, it would probably work out as a net positive.

But that’s it. So I’ve been a little concerned about this Jason character and who he might be. I ran through our lists of friends and could only think of my buddy Jason from college. Pretty much the most toxic thing he could do is throw up on Brittany after a night of heavy drinking. I don’t think that’s what Psychic Phil has seen. Now when we go out I am constantly on guard for people we meet named “Jason,” and wondering whether or not a jury of my peers would agree that I had a right to preemptively punch said Jason in the mouth based on the testimony of Psychic Phil.

This led to the creation of the following list.

The Top Ten Jasons I Would Like to Stay Far Away from my Girlfriend: Part 1

In reverse order.

10) Jason Priestley

Why I’d like him to stay away: Because he spent eight years playing heart-throb Brandon Walsh on Beverly Hills 90210. Because he is 41 years old and is still more attractive than me. Because he can successfully pull off the goatee. Because even though he hasn’t been relevant for a decade, his hobbies include race car driving. Because I’d be toast in my GF’s life he Jason Priestley came around.

Why when I really think about it, I am not all that concerned: Because he is Canadian. Because off the top of my head I could name more TV Movies (Expecting a Miracle) than I could films (none) that he has been in, ever. Probably because his most recent film roles were Jude in something called Hot Tamale and D.J. in Made in Brooklyn. Because I asked Brit if she thought he was cute and she said “eh, he was OK back in the Day.” Because he’s married with a kid, so I am probably overreacting.

9) Jason Derulo

Why I’d like him to stay away: Because of the song, “Whatcha Say.” Because everything about the picture above screams, “I’m probably going to inappropriately grope someone at the club tonight.” Because he is younger than my brother, which if you saw how Brit’s eyes light up when Justin Bieber hits the stage, you would understand is a problem.

Why when I really think about it, I am not all that concerned: Because I couldn’t find a picture of him where he didn’t have punchface. Because I have ruined Jason Derulo for Brit by singing all of his songs in what I like to call, “Jason Derulo falsetto.” Because he just seems like a creepy dude.

8 ) Jason Bateman

Editors note: FYI, when you put 8 next to a parenthesis, it automatically creates a sunglasses emoticon. 8). Kind of annoying, WordPress.
Update: Well, maybe not. I have no idea what is going on now.
Update 2: 8) See! I told you!


Why I’d like him to stay away: Because of Arrested Development. Because it would take maybe five authentic Michael Bluth lines, followed by him saying “I’m going to borrow you as my girlfriend for a little while,” for Brit to say, “OK!.” Because if he is actually a serial killer, he could probably abduct Brit while I was keeled over in laughter from talking to him.

Why when I really think about it, I am not all that concerned: Because it’s Jason Bateman! He is awesome! Because he is so cool. Because there is no way he could have a toxic impact on Brit’s life. Because it would have to be some other Jason, and we would all just be friends with Jason Bateman….right?…..right?

7) Jason Acuna (aka: Wee-Man)

Why I’d like him to stay away: Because I could write a blog post about how often Brittany accidentally hurts herself. Because since Brittany is so accident-prone, she would probably be seriously injured or die if asked to participate in a Jackass stunt. Because there is a 78% chance that Wee-Man would ask to crash on the couch for a couple of nights, and then 3 months later he is still there and its weird. Because there is a 0% chance that Brit would get her security deposit back if anyone associated with Jackass lived in her apartment for any period of time.

Why when I really think about it, I am not all that concerned:Because my desire to see Wee-Man kick himself in the head in-person supersedes all of the  aforementioned concerns.

6) Jason Giambi

Why I’d like him to stay away: Because if I rearrange the list to reflect my certainty that, should this person come into Brit’s life, it would DEFINITELY be for no other reason than to be toxic, he ranks 2nd. Because anyone who grows a molestache cannot be trusted. Because of roid rage. Because if you photoshop the background of 95% of the pictures I found of Jason Giambi to a cement wall, you’d have a mug shot.

Why when I really think about it, I am not all that concerned: Because he lacks any quality or personality trait that would get him into my girlfriends life in the first place (Priestley-good looking, Derulo-musician, Bateman-funny, Acuna-wee, Giambi….). Because we would probably fondly discuss our interactions with him like we do our interactions with our favorite homeless people around the city.  Because I could probably get him drunk and make him tell me which baseball players are doing steroids.

Jasons 5 through1 will be up tomorrow.

December 14, 2010 Posted by | Nonsense | , , , , , | 6 Comments

December 13 For the Win/For the Loss

NOTE: Very video-heavy FtW/FtL today. Unfortunately WordPress is really cumbersome when it comes to embedding videos so until I find a suitable plugin, I’m going to have to link to them instead. Sorry if this means you can’t access them at work!

For the Win! 🙂

Delta Day: Where will you be when Delta Day 2010 begins?

4 days.

Yogi Bear Alternate Ending: You couldn’t pay me to go see the Yogi Bear movie, but this alternate ending is pretty great. I’m having trouble getting the video to embed, so if you can’t see it below, click here to view it.

h/t someecards

Thor Trailer: Check out the full length Thor trailer. Pretty awesome. My first thought when seeing the trailer was, “hey! it’s Anthony Hopkins!” My second was, “waddup Natalie Portman.” There are worse initial reactions to have when one sees a trailer.

For the Loss! 😦

Graham Gano and the Washington Redskins Special Teams Unit: The Redskins found a really special way of losing yesterday. Graham Gano, who had already missed two field goals on the day, lines up for the game-tying extra point with 9 seconds to go that is sure to send them to overtime against the Bucs.

That is, until the fail whale takes a big dump all over Hunter Smith.

We’re All in This Together…kind of: Sad news today from the world of celebrity. Zac Efron and Vanessa Hudgens have split up. I am sure they are both distraught over the end of their relationship. Perhaps they will be comforted by my favorite lyrics from the Disney movie that started their storybook romance all those years ago, High School Musical:

You know the world can see us
In a way that’s different from who we are

Creating space between us
‘Till we’re separate hearts

I will never forget you, Troy and Gabriella.

h/t Jezebel

December 13, 2010 Posted by | Uncategorized | 1 Comment

Marc Drinks Four Loko for the First Time

Last Tuesday, I walked into the 7/11 down the street from my apartment to purchase some hot sauce. As I began my search, I was greeted with a six-foot tall display of 12-pack cases of Four Loko.

The Four Loko craze hit its apex when I was still working on my last campaign. It took college students about a minute to realize the following:

“wait, this company is making a drink that combines the alcohol of 4-5 beers and the caffeine of 2 cups of coffee…this is amazing!”

It took about 36 hours for somewhere between 15 and 3,456 college students to get hospitalized  after drinking Four Loko, subsequently ruining this wonderful drink for the rest of us.

So when I saw I could purchase a 12-pack of Four Loko for the bargain price of $35.99, and  idiot college students hadn’t ruined my chance to try Four Loko, I was psyched. Wrestling with which flavor to purchase (I ended up going with the “lemonade flavored”) was more difficult than deciding whether or not to buy it in the first place.

Then I went home, drank all 12 Four Lokos, shaved my cat, threw my television off the balcony, and went to sleep weeping in the fetal position on my roommate’s bed.

No I didn’t.

Reactions to the purchase were mixed. My girlfriend, who already thinks I am a dorky recovering frat star, was not very enthusiastic. My roommate was passive, saying something along the lines of “well, I guess it’s not illegal to have it yet.” Leave it to my friend Drew to lift my spirits by passionately declaring that I was now in charge of bringing Four Loko to his holiday party.

And thus, on Friday night, at said party, I drank Four Loko for the first time.

The first thing I noticed when I took my first sip was the taste. There is a reason why this particular flavor is called, “lemonade flavored” and not just “lemonade.” It is because when it initially hits your tongue, it is quite delightful and tangy like lemonade (that’s what she said).

Then, it tastes a lot less like lemonade and a lot more like crap (that’s what she said….no, no it doesn’t work this time).

In all honesty though, the aftertaste is bad. That’s when I understood how so many college students got hospitalized from drinking Four Loko. To get rid of the aftertaste, you can either keep drinking Four Loko, drink Four Loko and chase it with beer, or stop drinking. Which of those do you think a college student would choose? I’d like to see if maybe all of the hospitalized students were drinking the lemonade flavored Four Loko, because this may explain a lot about why they had to be hospitalized in the first place.

I enjoyed my Four Loko out of a cup with ice instead of straight from the can (precautionary measure to avoid death #1). I nursed the first cup (precautionary measure to avoid death #2) just in case I had a full on heart attack.

I nursed my first cup for about 75 minutes (precautionary measure to avoid death #3). Upon completion, I noticed 3 things.

1) I was surprisingly drunk.
2) I was wide awake and had no intention of sleeping ever again.
3) I was invincible.

I said as much to my friend Stick via text (breaking precautionary measure to avoid destroying my life #1, “have someone hide your phone so you don’t have access to phonebook or social media sites”), and he responded with:

You won’t tomorrow morning. Enjoy it while it lasts. DO NOT GO OVER 8 LOKO.

6 Loko you can see God. 7 you become him.

IMPORTANT WRITERS NOTE: I did not independently confirm this. I strongly discourage readers from drinking 6 or 7 Lokos, even if they want to see or become God. Even if Stick tells you to, remember this is a man who pioneered “tiny shirt Tuesday” and doesn’t like to wear pants.

I opted not to try to see God. I ended up drinking a little more than two Lokos.

Stick was pretty on the money regarding how I felt the next morning. I went to sleep around 3:00AM, and woke up at 6:00AM to use the bathroom. When I went back to bed, I couldn’t get back to sleep. In a really bad way. It wasn’t “oh man, I woke up and can’t get back to sleep.” It was more “did someone shoot adrenaline into my heart while I was peeing?” No matter how I laid, I could hear my heart pounding in my chest through my ear, and it was beating like I had just completed a marathon.

I reasoned that my heart was about to explode, then decided that I wanted to be awake when it happened and not half asleep. I also figured it would be less of a shock to my girlfriend if she found me on her couch with an exploded heart instead of in bed.

So I went out to the living room and played Scramble on my iPhone while watching infomercials. For three hours.

I also didn’t die.

Before Four Loko night, I sort of felt like I was going to black out whether I liked it or not. It just seemed like the sort of thing that would happen. I was pretty happy that I didn’t. In fact, the night really doesn’t measure too much worse than any other night.

I remember deciding to be the Christmas Elf when Snuggie Santa came to the party, taking pictures of everyone who sat on his lap and told him what they wanted for Christmas. I remember convincing myself that a man sitting at the bar in Murphys near Adams Morgan was Senator Bernie Sanders, even though it was 1:30AM, and Senator Sanders had just spent the previous day giving an eight-hour floor speech. I remember speaking the the man, and being very disappointed that he was not Bernie Sanders.

So what did I take away from my Four Loko experience?

1) I felt more awake than I ever had while drinking, but unlike some of the warning claims, I absolutely felt the alcohol affecting me. This was actually comforting, as being unable to register how drunk you are because of the caffeine is a legitimate concern.

2) While the night wasn’t different, the morning after was actually one of the worst “mornings after” I’ve ever had. I felt gross the entire day.

3) Anyone can drink Four Loko if they obey several common sense rules for drinking,

Things like, “If I drink 4-5 beers in less than an hour, I will usually end up in the hospital, so I probably will take my time with this here Four Loko”

And/or “Since I don’t normally drink 32 cans of beer and 16 cups of coffee when I go out, I am not going to drink 8 Four Lokos tonight.”

Oh, and “just because something tastes good, doesn’t mean you have to drink all of it you gluttonous moron.”

Stay tuned next week for another Marc first: Marc takes his first bong hit of Salvia!

No, not really.

December 13, 2010 Posted by | Nonsense | | 2 Comments

December 9 For the Win/For the Loss

And we’re back!

For the Win! 😀

The people have spoken, and they want me to die: An unsettling number of people are interested in the outcome of me drinking Four Loko for the first time. I will oblige this request this weekend. I’ve decided not to live blog the event. In fact, I am handing over my iPhone to my girlfriend when I do it so that I don’t have access to the internet. There is a 100% chance that I will say something that I would regret and immediately want back when I see it the next day if I don’t take these life-preserving measures.

I’m pretty sure I’ll survive drinking Four Loko. I regularly take 5 hour energy shots (still not getting paid to pimp how amazing they are), and I regularly subsist on Red Bull for a week or so around Election Day. Adding anywhere from 4.5 to 136 beers to the mix (depending on who you believe about how many beers worth of alcohol is in Four Loko) can’t be THAT different, right?……right?

Look for the post on Monday.

Top Chef All-Stars: This is going to be the best season of Top Chef, without any shadow of a doubt. The producers absolutely nailed the casting, bringing back many of the most memorable, well liked, and loathed chefs from the previous 7 seasons. There are chefs that I legitimately think could or should have won their seasons (Richard, Angelo) and chefs that I really cannot stand (Stephen, Marcel, Dale). They also brought Casey back, which I love for far different reasons. The first episode’s challenges were great, and hopefully a sign of things to come. I’m really looking forward to watching this show again.

Santarchy: This weekend I’ll be participating in my first ever Santarchy. Hot on the heels of my very first experience with Tuba Christmas, the 2010 holiday season is shaping up to be quite a life-altering one. What is Santarchy you may ask? From Santarchydc.com:

Santarchy/Santacons take place every year in major cities all over the world, involving tens of thousands of Santas. Santarchy is a non-profit, non-political, non-religious & non-sensical celebration of holiday cheer, goodwill, and fun. There is no good reason to dress up in cheap Santa suits, run around town, give gifts, sing songs, have strangers sit on our laps, and decide who is naughty or nice — but it’s a whole lot of fun — so Santa does it anyway. Santarchy is your chance to be Santa, so step up and be jolly.

Exact location hasn’t been announced yet, but I’ll update when it has been.

Youth in Revolt: Saw it a couple of nights ago and really enjoyed it. It is a strange, strange movie. Hysterical, but so strange. Michael Cera almost plays a different character than the “tragic high school virgin,” which was thrilling to experience. Give it a shot. I don’t think you’ll be disappointed.

For the Loss 😦

Crawford to the Red Sox: I’m absolutely terrified by this development. If the Yankees don’t get Cliff Lee, you could make the argument that the Red Sox are a better team than the Yankees, and I wouldn’t laugh at you.

That being said, if you are a Red Sox fan, and you complain that the Yankees buy their wins, I will absolutely punch you in the face. I don’t even care about the repercussions. You just spent in the ballpark (no pun intended, hehe) of $300 million on two players. Welcome to the club of using money to gain a competitive advantage.

Don’t Ask Don’t Tell: Didn’t survive the cloture vote, which will kill the possibility of repealing Don’t Ask Don’t Tell in this Congress. A travesty. The Army and Marine Corps give waivers to felons convicted of crimes “including assault, burglary, drug possession and making terrorist threats,” but God forbid we allow gay men and women to serve openly.

December 9, 2010 Posted by | For the Win/For the Loss | , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Vote on my First Blog Post

It’s that time of the year again.

After nearly a year-long hiatus, I’m rebooting MGSE. I’m feeling confident I’ll keep it going for a while (or at least until I get a job that forbids or prevents me from writing again).

I’ve got several ideas for blog posts, but would like to get some input on what should come first. So I’ve created a poll!

The options:

1) The Top Ten Jasons I Would Hate to Have a “Toxic Impact” on My Girlfriends Life: Per a conversation her mother had with a psychic, someone named Jason is supposed to enter into Brit’s life at some point in 2011 and have a “toxic impact”, these are the top ten Jasons that I hope stay far, far away.

2) Marc Drinks Four Loko for the First Time: Pretty self-explanatory. I haven’t actually done it yet. There is a 12 pack sitting on my kitchen counter. If this gets selected, I may live blog it.

3) Marc Complains About His Fantasy Sports Teams: I’m currently managing three fantasy football teams and two fantasy basketball teams, you know, because I’m that cool. I’ll tell you how awesome/terrible they are.

Follow the link below to vote on the poll. I’ll keep it open until tomorrow night.

What Should I Write About?
(polls)

December 7, 2010 Posted by | Nonsense | Leave a comment